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Magic
Personified
by
WiseWoman
Real or
make-believe?.......that is
the question. Can we find a
way to determine if the person
we are falling for online is
REAL??
This is one question that
comes to mind a lot in online
connections, be it emails or
instant messages, and is
peculiar to ONLY online
communications. This cannot
occur in any other venue
except maybe writing letters
back and forth to someone you
have never met, such as pen
pals, women who write to
incarcerated men, etc.
Since
we cannot see the person's
reactions to what we say, nor
can we be distracted by a
million other forms of sensory
input that happen in
person-to-person interaction,
ONLINE communication becomes
something nebulous falling
somewhere between REAL and
FANTASY in our mind.
We
are real people talking to
each other, but our mind has
to find a place of security
that is alien to its natural
process. If one has spent a
lot of time online interacting
with others, one develops a
place of security in one's
mind where by we can launch a
scenario that is optimum for
each particular person/case
involved.
For
instance, if we are talking to
someone who fits the criteria
that we have set for us to be
able to explore a possible
meeting, we have imposed a
certain chain of events that
will certainly take us to that
end.
Systematically,
we ask certain questions,
interpret the answers, which
lead to more questions, which
lead to more answers that
finally give us the specific
information we need to make an
educated guess as to the risk
factor involved in actually
meeting this person face to
face.
After
assessing all the things we
have to assess, after
eliminating a series of
reasons why to meet or not
meet this person, we
ultimately whittle it down to
whatever action we want to
take.
On
one hand, with online dating,
before we meet face to face,
we have a hell of a lot MORE
information than we would have
if we just met on the street.
Assuming they have told the
truth, we usually know their
age, where they live, what
they like sexually, and a lot
of other personal things we've
demanded they answer before we
determine a quasi match.
But
on the other hand, we have a
whole lot LESS information
than we would have if we had
met this person in real time
(seeing how they dress, carry
themselves, relate to the
world around them, how
friendly they really are etc).
So,
within this nebulous space we
now have to create a whole new
set of rules for ourselves. We
have to come up with extra
sensory perception that will
guide us in our
decision-making so that we can
find the lowest risk factor
possible for making the best
assessment for success. Not
only do we have to decide if
this person is compatible, but
we have to give ourselves the
OK to bite the bullet and go
for it.
The
more we meet people this way,
the more we learn how our new
sensory perception has to
develop. Each time we meet
someone, we get the
opportunity to develop our
skill.
Once
we have this person in our
face, the brain has to switch
from that nebulous place
between REAL and FANTASY to
REAL time. Now we fall back on
what has always been familiar
to us and that is CHEMISTRY.
Chemistry
has a way of overriding much
of the aforementioned data.
New sensory input invades the
senses and qualifies or
disqualifies all previous
information. This is the point
where we go from the nebulous
zone to a comfort zone.
At
least we can trust chemistry.
It's almost an absolute for
us. Chemistry is cut and dry.
There is no question. We are
in our comfort zone and know
exactly if this person is
energetically in tune with us
or not.
But,
what if the guy has a nervous
twitch or looks at every
woman's ass that walks by, or
what if the woman has an
obnoxious high-pitched laugh?
That nebulous zone never
factored these types of things
in to the quotient.
The solution to this is to
have a web cam. You can see
how the person responds to
your words, see their facial
movements, see their body, how
they look when you make them
smile, hell you can even see
their pets, kids, and whatever
else they care to show you.
You
can't, however, see how they
react to the world around
them, or know how friendly
they are to senior citizens,
or whether or not they have
money in the bank, but if you
are wondering if you are at
least physically attracted to
this person, the cam will show
you a heck of a lot.
I think we create in our
nebulous zone, how we want the
person to be. When the other
person doesn't meet that
expectation, we tend to then
say, "they weren't for
REAL." I am thinking that
we create this person, as we
want to see them to make it OK
in our mind to meet them.
But
when they aren't THAT way
really, aren't WE ourselves to
blame for making up this super
being?? How many times have
you said, "This is
absolutely CRAZY!!?? I think I
am madly in love and we
haven't even met!!" What
we are "in love"
with is the IDEA of this
person being everything we
have made them out to be which
is of course, our perfect
mate!!!
Is saying the person really
wasn't as they alluded to be,
perhaps a "self
imposed" mistake or lack
of awareness? Could it be that
we are eluding ourselves? If
we can realize that we have
done all we can in a limited
venue to find someone who for
all intents and purposes
matches our criteria for
romance, BUT that the hold out
is the actual face-to-face
meeting as the be all and end
all of ascertaining REAL
attraction, I think there
would be a whole lot less
disappointment, and a lot more
success stories.
Expectations
are SELF IMPOSED and we
ourselves need to be
accountable for this. If the
other person does NOT meet our
expectations, it might just be
that we built up a persona to
suit our fantasy, and perhaps
WE indeed, haven't been
realistic.
The other thing that we run
into a lot, unfortunately, are
the liars and deceivers who
get their rocks off by hurting
others or just seeing how well
they can bullshit their way
into getting a date.
That
is where experience at meeting
comes in handy. There are a
lot of ways to detect these
people because they forget
from one day to the next what
lies they told and stories
aren't consistent.
I
avoid these like the plague
but even an experienced
bullshit detector like myself
can still be fooled on
occasion. BUT, I still prefer
this venue for meeting
potential dates over all
others and have learned that
the bottom line is to keep a
very open mind, realizing that
I am probably grandiosizing a
wee bit because I so earnestly
want to meet people with whom
I can relate to and be myself
with and I truly believe that
with the masses at my
fingertips, I have much higher
odds of being successful.
There is a magical dynamic
that happens online that is
not found in any other venue
and I sincerely believe it CAN
be translated into real time,
with caution, awareness, and
the ability to make the smooth
transition from that nebulous
zone to REAL time, and allow
yourself the grace to let
chemistry and face-to-face
attraction be the deciding
factor. Limit your fantasies
and know that they are the
fuel, but they are not the
REAL fire!!!
© 2003 Tami Fox. All rights
reserved.
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