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Women's Sexual Expression
By Kali Munro, M.Ed.
Have you ever wondered whether
other women, lesbian or
straight have problems with sex? Do you
worry that you're the only one
who makes passionate love at
the beginning of a
relationship and then withdraws? Or perhaps you
enjoy making love to your
partner, but feel
uncomfortable receiving sexual
pleasure? If any of these sound familiar,
you are not alone.
Barriers to Feeling
Comfortable with Your
Sexuality
While we may believe that sex
should flow naturally and
easily, the reality is often
different. It's no wonder,
given all that
we're up against--sexism,
heterosexism, and homophobia; society's repressed attitudes
about sex generally and
especially about women's sexuality;
messages we receive from
famililes, religion, schools, and the
media about women, lesbians,
and sex; and the fact that so many
girls and women are sexually
assaulted. It's remarkable
that we feel comfortable with
sex at all!
Patience and Awareness
If you're having a hard time
with any aspect of sex, the
best thing you can do for yourself
is to be patient and understanding. Freeing
yourself of pressure, blame,
or criticism is crucial to moving through
any obstacle you face.
A good starting place is to
simply pay attention to
everything that you feel as soon as you
are aware of feeling
uncomfortable.
If you are numbing, or
shutting down, you'll want to
figure out how you felt immediately prior
to that.
*How does your body react?
*What body sensations do you
notice?
*Do you hold your breath?
*Does your heart quicken?
*What are your thoughts? *Do you see or
sense images, sounds, smells,
or tastes? *What do you notice
before and during the point
you
start to feel uncomfortable or
begin to numb yourself?
Being aware of your own
experience and responses is an
important first step. This awareness
helps you be in your body and
be
present with yourself. These
are important elements for
being able to relax and enjoy sex.
This does not mean that you suddenly feel comfortable with
sex, in fact initially you may
feel even more uncomfortable
because you are more aware of
how upset or scared you feel. Some
may respond to this process by
feeling calmer. If you feel
more upset or about the same, continue to be with your
feelings, let yourself breathe
if you can, and remember this will
help you to feel better about
sex.
It is important that you and
your partner accept how you
feel and approach your feelings
with tenderness and love.
Awareness,
acceptance,and compassion are
probably the most important
things you can do for yourself and/or
your partner.
Are There Any Connections to
the Past?
You may want to ask yourself:
Have you felt this way before?
Do you feel this way in other situations? See if you can
remember the first time you
felt this way and whether there might be
a connection. Does it make
sense to you why this was triggered
at this time? If not, try to remember the next time you
felt this way and whether you
can
make a connection to your
present feelings. Strong
emotional reactions are usually
connected to past experiences
that have not been fully resolved.
You may have been sexually
assaulted and coped by numbing
out. Or you may have been raised in
a chaotic household and feel a
strong need to be in control.
Directing your attention to
what originally brought on these
feelings or reactions, and
finding ways to work through those
issues can help a lot.
How is Your Relationship?
If you are withdrawing from
sex, how are you feeling about
your relationship?
Are there areas in your
relationship, apart from sex,
that need to change? Are you spending
too much time together, which
can
dampen passion? Are you not
spending enough time together,
which can lessen your intimacy? Are
you carrying around
"baggage" from a previous relationship, which
may be blocking your ability
to relate intimately with your
partner? Are your childhood experiences coming between
you? You may want to ask
yourself what happens when you withdraw
from your partner. Does it
reduce some anxiety or fear, or get
you some much needed space.
Maybe there is another way that you
could accomplish the same
thing. When you are aware of what is
going on, you can let your
partner know how you feel, and ask
her/him for what you need.
What You Can Do: Slowing Down
If you are going numb or
shutting down, there are a
number of strategies you can try. One
strategy is to approach sex at
a slower pace, spending more
time at sexual activities in
which you don't numb out. Maintain a
lot of contact with your lover
by talking to each other and
keeping eye contact. The idea
is to
stay present and in your body,
and to stop when you begin to numb out.
Asking For What You Need
You may need a stronger or
softer touch, or to be in a
certain position. Stop whenever you
need to, and talk about how
you are feeling. You might want to
hold each other for awhile,
then begin again unless you don't
want to. Only you can know how
you are feeling and whether you
want to continue or not, your
partner can only guess. It is
far better for you if you take
charge of your own needs and
that your partner respects
that. At times, it may feel
frustrating, for both of you,
so remember that by being patient and
taking it slow, your sex life
can improve.
Partners who view each others'
difficulties with sex as something to work on together
have the best results. In this
situation a partner will ask
how the other is feeling, what
is wanted, and whether they need
to stop. This sends a clear message that you care and that
it is okay to stop at any
time.
Talking About Sex
Talking about sex, both inside
and outside the bedroom, is important in any relationship.
If you're shy about saying
what you like while you're making
love, tell your sweetie at
another time. Have fun, it doesn't
need to be serious. You may
feel more comfortable sharing sexual
fantasies because it is less
direct. Do what works for you, but
find a way to communicate your
likes and dislikes with sex.
Starting and Stopping Sex
For the person who feels
uncomfortable on the receiving
end of sexual pleasure, try starting
with just a little and stop.
Talk
about it, if that feels okay.
Then try a little more, remembering to breathe. Take a
break again. Keep trying this,
receiving a little each time
and then maybe increasing the amount of time each time. By
going slowly, stopping and
starting again, you can increase your
comfort level with the focus
on you. Both of you need to be
patient because this can feel frustrating too but it is well
worth it in the long run. You
may find you even enjoy it.
Letting Go
To have an orgasm, we need to
be able to ride the waves of arousal and let go--not always
such an easy thing to do. If
you find this difficult, begin
outside the context of sex by thinking or talking about the
following questions:
What does letting go mean to
you? What would happen if you
were to let go? How do you feel
about letting go? Do you know
what
those reactions, associations,
and feelings are connected to?
Are there other ways of your
life in which you find it hard
to let go? Do you like to be in
control? Is there anything you
are
afraid will happen if you are
not in control? You might want
to begin by finding opportunities
to let go, to be in less
control
outside of sex. How do you
feel about that? Start small.
Find little ways you can be in less
control throughout your day.
See if you can relax more, take it
easy. Remember this can help improve your sex life so let
that motivate you.
During sex notice your
reactions. If you start to
tense up or pull back, stop right there.
Notice that for a moment,
breathe, and if you want continue.
Trying to push on while you
tense up will not work, backing off
will. You'll immediately relax
some. Remember, you are tensing up
for a reason, honour that and
let
your partner know you need to
stop. Obviously it is crucial
that your partner handles this
sensitively and respectfully.
Additionally, you may need to
let your partner know how to pleasure you just the way you
like it. Give yourself
permission to do that.
And most importantly, no one
has an orgasm by trying to
have one. Let go of that goal, and
focus on the pleasurable
feelings in your body. Some women need
to hear gentle loving words or
be held when they approach orgasm
because for them it brings up
all sorts of safety issues. Others
like to hear something more raunchy.
Final Thoughts
Experiencing sexual pleasure
involves being present;
staying with your feelings, your
breath and other body
sensations; expressing yourself (talking,
making sounds, moving your
body); and letting go. Finding ways
to feel more comfortable doing
these things, in and outside
the bedroom, will help your
sex life. Try not to worry if you
don't notice any difference
right away, be patient with yourself
and your partner--your sex
life can and will improve.
© Kali Munro, 1998, 2000.
About the author:
Kali Munro, M.Ed., is a
psychotherapist in private
practice with twenty years experience. She
specializes in working with
survivors of abuse, lesbians,
couples, and body image
issues. She offers free healing
resources at her site
KaliMunro.com.
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