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HOW
DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S LOVE?
From the book The Six Faces of
Love
By Craig Owen
c 2002 Craig Owen
For more information about The
Six Faces of Love go to
www.1stbooks.com/bookview/2575
Cheryl and Peter had been
single for several
years. Both had survived unhealthy
relationships in the past, and
neither
believed they would find a
truly intimate
relationship. Everything changed when they
first met one another.
Their first three months together were
"heaven on earth"
according to Cheryl. It felt like
they had known each other for
years when they had only known each other
for a few weeks. Three
months into their relationship
problems started
developing. The thrill of falling in love had faded,
they began to see each other's
imperfections and their fights
became more frequent.
Now they were not sure if they loved
each other anymore. What
had gone
wrong?
Larry and Beth planned to be
married once Larry finished college. Their plans
were disrupted when Larry
survived a serious auto accident.
Larry felt he needed to find meaning and
purpose in his life before he
could marry Beth. He
broke their engagement and spent the next
several years traveling.
After studying philosophy in India
and Japan and finding few
answers, he drifted back to his
hometown and lived with his
parents.
Larry wandered from one
relationship to another, never
finding a woman with whom he felt
happy. One day he awoke
to find that he
was 40 years old and very much
alone. What had gone
wrong in his search for love and
purpose in his life?
Kevin and Claire were
professors at a small
midwestern college. Both were happily married and
had families of their
own. They developed a close and warm
friendship with each other and
were very open about it.
Kevin and Claire often had
lunch together
or took walks around the
campus. Both of their
spouses were aware of their friendship and
had no problems with it, but
it seemed the students and staff
of the college had other
ideas. Rumors began circulating that
the two of them were having an
affair. None of this was
true, but the denials made by
Kevin and Claire only added fuel to
the rumors. Eventually
they ended their friendship rather than
put up with the incessant
rumors.
How could the college
community be so wrong in their
perceptions of the open friendship between
Kevin and Claire?
WHY ALL THE CONFUSION?
All of the couples mentioned
in the stories above have one
thing in common: they are all
confused about love.
Peter and Cheryl
are confused about falling in
love which is different from
being in love. Larry is
confusing a spiritual form of
love with romantic love. Expecting
to find both in one
relationship, he
has been unable to find
either. Kevin and Claire
are the victims of their college
community's lack of
understanding about
friendships between men and
women. How can each
couple find their way out of confusion
about love? The purpose
of this book is to answer their questions
and confusions about
love. But before their confusion can be
cleared up we must understand
more clearly what we are talking
about. What we are
talking about are the six different loves.
There are at least six
different kinds of love, each
with its own distinctive
relationship. The six
loves are friendship, romance, spiritual, community,
marriage and family
love. Much of the confusion in
relationships comes from
looking for the wrong love in the wrong
place. Consider the
following examples.
We may think we are seeking
romance with someone when in
fact we may be looking for
friendship. Many
people expect a successful
romance to make them happy,
but if this is true, why do so
many people still feel unhappy even
in love? Many religious
people feel that they cannot have any
friends outside of their
religion. Is this really
an accurate understanding of
the spiritual forms of love and
the love of friendship?
Some 'pop' forms of therapy tell us that
we cannot hope to have a successful marriage until we
deal with the problems from
our past. Yet, it seems that
the only people we can find as
possible partners all have
their own unresolved problems
just like us. Is this a cause
for hope or hopelessness in
finding a partner? To answer these
and other questions we must
first understand what love is and
then carefully look at each of
the six different loves.
In this chapter I will offer
one possible answer to the
question 'How do you know when you are
in love?' This is not a
question that only interests
philosophers, but a very
practical question that each of us faces at one
time or another. I will
offer a definition of love and some
principles that I believe all
six loves have in common.
The following chapters will
discuss the characteristics that make each
love distinct from the other loves. By sorting out
the different loves in this
way we can
begin to answer some of the
questions facing Cheryl and
Peter, Larry and Beth and Kevin and
Claire. We will return
to each of these couples, as well as look
at other people very much like
them, in the chapters to
follow. But for now, I
will start with a definition of love.
LOVE DEFINED
How does one answer the
question "How do you know
when you are in love?" This
problem usually arises with
romantic love, but
it can occur in the other
loves as well. Perhaps
we can borrow a technique from philosophy to
help get us started. A
standard
method in philosophy is to
first carefully define the
terms you are discussing. After
defining your terms, you
arrive at criteria or principles to
verify when you have an
example of the
subject you so carefully
defined. Maybe this
method of definition and verification
can be of help to us. Here is my definition of love:
Love is a choice to be
committed, vulnerable, and responsible to
the one for whom you
care. There are a lot of heavy words in
that definition, 'choice,' 'commitment,' 'vulnerable,'
'responsible.' Let us
take a careful look at these terms in
the order I have given them.
What do I mean when I say love
is a choice? Love is a
decision we make, a matter of the
will. Love is not to be
identified with emotions alone.
Feelings are certainly a part
of love, and our emotional response to
people is one way of finding
someone we could choose to love.
What exactly do we choose to
do in
loving someone? One of
the things we choose is to
make a commitment.
When I use the word commitment
I do not mean blind devotion
such as "My lover right or
wrong." One writer
describes commitment
as "the capacity to
dedicate oneself to another
person or cause."i We choose
(there is that word again) to
have a personal stake in the growth
and life of the one we
love. When we make a commitment to the
one we love we say to them
"I believe in you. I believe in
who you are and in who you can
become." By saying
"I believe in who you
are" we accept the one we love, imperfections as well
as strengths. In
affirming "I believe in who you can
become" we recognize that
people grow and change, even in love. We
challenge, in the name of
love, our loved one to grow beyond their
comfortable limits for the
sake of love. All of this
talk of believing, growing,
and commitment is risky business. This
brings us to our next word, vulnerability.
Being vulnerable in love means
that we willingly accept the
pain and struggle of love as well
as the joy and happiness of
love.
When we are committed to
someone by believing in them,
we cannot escape the disappointments and
upsets that come with loving imperfect people. The
joy of love cannot be
separated from the pain of love. Unless we
accept this paradox we will
run from love every time it becomes
painful or difficult.
Choosing to be committed and vulnerable to
the one you love is a decision
to be responsible, the last word in
my definition of love.
Responsibility in love means
we are accountable to and for
the one we love. Being
accountable to the one we love
involves
activities that many of us
have trouble with: trusting
one another, being honest with
each other, communicating (as
opposed to just talking) with each
other. To be accountable
for the one we love is also
difficult. There will be
times when we must answer for and even defend the
one we love. Since we
know our
loved one so well, sometimes
we our obligated to make use
of that knowledge. The
occasion maybe as dramatic as
a life or death medical situation, or as
simple as a conversation with
friends who ask how our loved
one is doing. Being
accountable to and for the one we love
flies in the face of the self-indulgent individualism
of our day. Yet, without
responsibility love can endure
over time.
So now we have our definition
of love. Our task is
only half completed, however. We
could argue endlessly over
definitions and words. To avoid this
we must arrive at some
criteria or principles that will verify
that we have an instance of
love as we have defined it. The
three principles I suggest
come out of
the experience of other
writers who are well
acquainted with the human condition.
FIRST PRINCIPLE: HOW DO I NEED
YOU?
My first principle comes from
Eric Fromm. It is in the
form of a question. How do you
love the one you love?
"Do you love them because you need them, or
do you need them because you
love them?"ii Let us
look at both sides of this
question.
"Do you love them because
you need them?"
Most of the things we do arise from mixed
motives. The majority of
our actions are
the result of good and bad
reasons blended
together. (Only saints can claim to act from
pure motives, and I have yet
to meet one.) Love is no
exception to the reality of
mixed
motives. When we are in
love we bring with us our best
and worst qualities. The
question "Do you love
them because you need them?" is meant to
scrutinize how predominant are
our worst qualities in a love
relationship. We all
have some subconscious programming that affects how
we choose the ones we
love. For
people with addictive
personalities or seriously low
self-esteem, unhealthy and
subconscious programming can
be the predominant factor in how they
choose the ones they
love. If you love someone more because
you need them, then
beware. You should carefully examine the
dynamics of your relationship
and why you are attracted to your
loved one. You might
have some personal issues to work
through before you can achieve
the kind of love relationship you seek
but cannot seem to find.
"Do you need them because
you love them?" A
slight rewording of the question describes a very
different situation. In
a relationship where two people
deliberately choose to become interdependent, the need for
each other can become
overwhelming. The difference here is that
the good qualities in each
person are more predominant in their
choice of a loved one.
Good qualities such as trust,
honesty, communication, and commitment
will outweigh the negative
qualities of jealousy,
insecurity, and anger. As I
mentioned before, love will
always have mixed motives and qualities.
If you need someone because
you love them, then the good qualities
should more than compensate
for the bad.
SECOND PRINCIPLE: WHO AM I?
My second principle is a line
from the movie The Accidental Tourist. "It is not
just how much you love
someone, it is who you are when you are with
them." The movie
revolves around the struggles of named Macon
Leary who is a very
predictable person. He likes to have
everything planned and
organized.
Macon writes a series of
travel guidebooks called The
Accidental Tourist for reluctant business
travelers who want to feel
safe
in their journeys.
Whether you are in London or
Paris, Macon's books tell you which hotels
have the nicest bathrooms and
which restaurants serve American
food.
Macon's safe and sheltered
life is shattered when his
wife Sarah decides to move out and get a
divorce. Being a quiet
and withdrawn person by nature,
Macon reacts by becoming even
more quiet and withdrawn. He
might have gotten away with it
except for meeting a woman named
Muriel. Muriel is as
spontaneous and disorganized as Macon is
subdued and predictable.
Muriel takes an immediate liking to Macon
and keeps pestering him to go
out with her. He finally
does and falls in love with
her. As their relationship grows, Muriel's
love for Macon changes him
into a new person. He becomes
more spontaneous and playful,
and his normally dismal attitude about
life becomes more
hopeful.
Towards the end of the movie
Macon makes one last attempt
to reconcile with his wife
Sarah. They move back
into their house
and try living together again,
but it is no use. Macon
has changed too much to go back to
his old ways. As he
explains to Sarah why he wants to go back
to Muriel, he tells her
"Its not just how much you love
someone, but who you are when
you are with them." Muriel
has given Macon another chance
at life by
allowing him to decide all
over again what kind of person
he wants to be.
"I believe in you.
I believe in who you are and
in who you can become." This is
the support and freedom Macon
found in his love for Muriel and the hope
and freedom we should find in
our love relationships. Who
are you when you are with the
one you love? Do you feel a
sense of freedom? Do you
find a giddy courage to try new things, to
grow beyond your comfortable limits? Or are you a
perpetual prisoner of your old
fears and
insecurities? Is your
relationship more like a
comfortable pair of shoes that you keep out of
familiarity instead of going
to the trouble of getting a new
pair? I leave you to
answer these questions for yourself.
THIRD PRINCIPLE: SANCTUARY
The third and last principle
is from a writer who says
"the essence of love is a sense of
sanctuary."
Sanctuary has two distinct aspects, protection
and renewal. We each
have our fears, insecurities, hurts,
and pains that we share with a
few people. If we want to
grow and change for the
better, we need
to share these burdens with
the person you love. The
sense of sanctuary we find in love
gives us the protection we
need to share our hurts and fears with
our loved one. We sense
that our loved one will not make a
public display of our
weaknesses and fears. The protective
sanctuary of love is like a
mother bird spreading her wings over her
young in the nest.
Within the warm confines of their mother's
wings the young birds know
they do
not have anything to
fear. This feeling that
we are safe and everything is okay is the
protection we should find in
love.
Besides protection, the
sanctuary of love also
provides a chance for renewal. Sanctuary
is not simply an escape from
the unpleasant realities of
ourselves, for when we share
our burdens with others we are
re-energized and
restrengthened. We no longer carry our pains and
fears alone and find strength
to overcome those pains and
fears. If we cannot overcome them,
then we find in our love the
ability to live with our
burdens instead of grimly enduring
them. It must remain a mystery how
the love of two people can be
greater that the burdens of
one. I only know that it is true
from my own experience and
that of many others.
Our task is now
complete. I have given
you a definition of love: Love is a choice to be
committed, vulnerable and responsible to the one for
whom you care. And I
have given you
three principles by which to
judge your love.
"Do you love them because you need them, or do
you need them because you love
them?" "It is
not just how much you love
someone, but who you are when you are with
them." "The
essence of love is a sense of sanctuary." I
cannot guarantee that this
definition and these principles will always lead to
love. I do believe that
these ideas will give you a place
from which to start as you
seek to find love in your life.
Now that we have a definition
of love in
general, where do we begin to
discuss the six loves? By starting with the most
basic of the six loves, friendship, to which we now
turn in the next chapter.
For more information about The
Six Faces of Love go to
www.1stbooks.com/bookview/2575
Craig Owen can be reached at
sixloves@hotmail.com
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