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Sex and New Relationships
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Brad was just completing his
divorce after having been
married
for over 25 years. He had not
dated in what seemed like
forever
to him, and had no idea how to
start. "How do you start
a new
relationship?" he asked
me in our counseling session.
"What are you most
concerned about?" I
asked.
"Sex," he answered.
"What about sex?" I
asked.
Pause….
"Well…performance. What
if I can’t perform? What if
I’m
too nervous to perform?"
"Okay. Let’s start with
sex."
In the 35 years that I’ve
been counseling, I’ve
discovered that
the one mistake people make in
starting a new relationship is
to
have sex too soon. There are
many reasons why people have
sex
too soon: they think it will
create deeper intimacy, they
are
just in it for the conquest,
they are afraid of rejection
if
they say no, they get
physically carried away, they
like sex.
Let’s take the example of
Yvonne.
Yvonne is a lovely young woman
in her middle thirties who
really
wants to get married and have
children. She has no trouble
meeting men, but the
relationships don’t last. In
fact, they
rarely even get started.
The problem is that Yvonne
often believes what men say to
her
early on in the relationship.
The last man she dated a
couple of
months ago, came on really
strong. He told her on the
first date
how wonderful she was, how he
had rarely met anyone like
her.
When he came on sexually, she
resisted, although she was
really
turned on and attracted to
him. He suavely said to her
"I bet
you’re worried that if we
have sex I won’t call you
again."
"Right," she said.
"That’s exactly what
I’m worried about."
Well, he answered, "I’m
not that kind of man. Can’t
you tell
that we’re really connected
to each other? I haven’t had
such a
good time in years! Of course
I want to see you again!"
Yvonne
agreed that they were having a
wonderful time. She put aside
her
inner warning signals and had
sex with him. Sure enough, he
never called her again.
The reality is that, no matter
how wonderful things seem on
the
first or second date, this is
not enough time to deeply care
about someone. And sex without
deep caring might be a
physically
satisfying experience, but it
is flat emotionally and
spiritually. It will almost
always leave both people
feeling
like something was missing.
Without love and caring, it is
easy
to move on to another person,
another conquest. It is easy
to
dismiss the encounter - since
something was missing, it must
not
have been the right person.
But these two people never
gave
themselves a change to see if
they were right for each
other.
They jumped into the most
physically intimate of
experiences
before there was any emotional
intimacy. They tried to get
the
intimate connection through
sex, but great sex is an
outgrowth
of intimacy, not a cause of
it. Without love and caring,
any
problem becomes too much to
handle, any deficiency or
imperfection becomes cause to
move on. Physical attraction
is
never enough to see people
through the inevitable
conflicts that
come up in primary
relationships.
Deep caring comes through
spending time together getting
to know
each other. It comes from
months of laughing together,
crying
together, discovering what is
deeply endearing about each
other.
It comes from having conflict
and getting through it to
understanding each other on
deeper levels. It comes when
two
people let each in on the soul
level. You need to love
someone’s
soul before you will be
willing to go through the
challenges
that come up in all
relationships. Without that
depth of love,
it is just too easy to leave.
So, what I said to Brad was,
"Take your time. Don’t
jump into
bed until you feel so safe
with each other that even if
the
first time you make love you
don’t get an erection it
won’t ruin
the relationship. It may take
months or longer before you
feel
that safe with someone."
"Months? I’m supposed
to wait months before having
sex?"
"Brad, I don’t know how
long it will take for you to
feel loved
and loving, safe and deeply
caring. It depends on how much
time
you time you spend with each
other. It depends on how
honest you
are with each other. It
depends on how you each deal
with
conflict. You will certainly
not feel safe until you have
conflict and see how the two
of you handle it. What if you
discover that your partner
completely shuts down or gets
enraged
in conflict? Will you feel
safe if you are worried about
her
reaction if you can’t
perform? All this takes time.
What’s your
rush? Is it sex you want or a
relationship you want?
"Okay, I got it. I want a
relationship. Whew! I actually
feel
some relief knowing that
it’s okay to take my
time!"
About the author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the
best-selling author and
co-author of
eight books, including
"Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I Have To
Give Up Me To Be Loved By My
Kids?",
"Healing Your
Aloneness","Inner
Bonding", and "Do I
Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By
God?" Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner
Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
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