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Using Sex Addictively
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Robert consulted with me
because his wife, Andrea, was
no longer
interested in having sex with
him. "Andrea says she
feels
objectified when we make love,
and I don’t know what that
means," he stated.
"I love her and I don’t
think I see her as an
object."
"Well, when you want to
make love to her, why are you
wanting to
make love? What is motivating
you?" I asked.
As we explored this question,
it became apparent that
Robert’s
desire for Andrea was
generally motivated, not only
by his
physical need for sex, but
also by his need to be
validated by
her and to relieve his stress.
No time in his discussion with
me
did he say he wanted to make
love to her as an expression
of his
love for her. At no time did
he state that there were many
ways
he enjoyed sharing his love
with her, such as time
together,
sharing fun, affection,
cuddling. His focus in being
with Andrea
was in having sex with her,
and if she didn’t want to,
he was
generally angry or withdrawn.
While he professed that he was
expressing his love when I
asked him about it, his
behavior was
anything but loving.
"So, if she doesn’t
feel turned on to you, and
would rather
cuddle or spend time together
in some other way, that’s
not okay
with you? You don’t stay
loving with her unless she
does what
you want?"
"Yeah, I guess so. I
guess that’s what I
do."
Robert was quite distressed to
learn that this is why Andrea
felt objectified, and also to
learn that he was using sex
addictively. Anything we use
outside ourselves to relieve
stress, validate ourselves and
fill ourselves up can become
an
addiction. In Robert’s case,
he was using sex to avoid
dealing
with his stress and low
self-esteem. He was using
Andrea and sex
as a Band-Aid to temporarily
alleviate anxiety. And, he
confessed, he went further
with his addiction. He would
masturbate to pornography and
attend expensive strip clubs
in
his efforts avoid
responsibility for his own
feelings and needs.
Underneath his addictive
behavior, Robert felt deeply
insecure
and afraid much of the time.
Rather than dealing with his
fears
and insecurities, he was using
sex, just as someone else
might
use food, drugs or alcohol.
As long as Robert was coming
to her needy rather than
loving,
there was nothing for Andrea
to feel turned on to. Andrea
wanted
their sex to be an expression
of their love for each other,
not
a way to relieve Robert’s
anxiety or fill his emptiness,
and had
reached the place in her own
growth where she was no longer
willing to be used by him.
Fortunately, Robert was
motivated to do the inner work
necessary
to heal his sexual addiction.
Through his work with the
Inner
Bonding process that I teach,
Robert was able to establish,
for
the first time in his life, a
connection with a spiritual
source
of love and guidance. Through
learning to work with his
spiritual guidance, he was
able to begin to heal the
limiting
beliefs he had absorbed as he
was growing up about his
adequacy
and worth. As he began to
discover the beauty within him
- his
gentleness, integrity,
creativity, and ability to
care about
others - he began to feel much
better about himself. He
learned
to speak up for himself in
work and social situations, as
well
as with Andrea. As he learned
be loving with himself, the
emptiness within him that led
to his neediness gradually
diminished. The more he was
loving with himself, the more
powerful he felt, and the more
he was able to express his
love
to Andrea. When the day came
that Andrea actually felt his
love
rather than his neediness and
emptiness, her sexual feelings
for
Robert returned.
Robert’s desire for
pornography and strip clubs
gradually
vanished as he learned to take
full responsibility for his
own
feelings and needs. He still
loves to make love with
Andrea, but
he no longer gets angry and
withdrawn if she is not turned
on.
He no longer needs her to take
away his anxiety or validate
his
adequacy. He is no longer
using sex addictively.
About the author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the
best-selling author and
co-author of
eight books, including
"Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I Have To
Give Up Me To Be Loved By My
Kids?",
"Healing Your
Aloneness","Inner
Bonding", and "Do I
Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By
God?" Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner
Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
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