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Sex and the Soul
Author: Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed.
The title of this article is
likely to provoke many
feelings,
thoughts, sarcasms etc., as
many people falsely believe
that
sex, spirituality, and the
soul are at opposite ends of a
continuum. It is incredibly
sad that something so
beautiful and
intrinsic in our nature is so
poorly understood and
completely
obliterated in our society.
Most of us are taught from an
early
age that the body is dirty,
sex is bad and that we
shouldn’t
touch our genitals. Somewhere
along the line we developed
this
inaccurate perception that sex
and spirituality are separate
and
that in order to be spiritual
you need to be asexual and
that
you are a better person if you
divorce yourself from your
sexual
energy, feelings, desires, and
needs and that spirituality is
somehow superior to sexuality.
These attitudes are in
complete contradiction to what
is natural
and healthy. It is like
cutting off one of your legs
and trying
to run. We are taught to
suppress our sexuality and to
feel
shame for being a sexual being
and therefore this creates the
problematic patterns we see
associated with sex in our
society
such as excessive sex
partners, violence,
dissatisfaction with
ones sex life, sexual
confusion, degradation,
incest, addiction
that are practically an
epidemic. We have created a
society with
two sexual extremes and very
few people are able to find a
healthy medium. At one end we
have people with very few or
no
limits where meaningless sex,
addiction, violence, rape,
incest,
degradation etc. occurs and at
the other end we have people
with
very rigid limits who are
afraid of sex, who are
uncomfortable
even talking about it, who
don’t know even know what
arouses
them, who think it is dirty
and bad and should be hidden
and or
not engaged in. The common
thread in both of these
extremes is
shame. People at both ends of
the continuum are experiencing
shame but exhibit it in
different ways. These are
prime examples
of what happens when we
disconnect our soul from our
sexual
selves.
One of the factors that cause
sex to create such great
difficulty in our
relationships is because
sexual energy and
spiritual energy feel very
similar. Sometimes it is
difficult to
tell the two apart. They often
overlap. Because our society
doesn’t encourage awareness
or understanding of either one
of
these energies we are left to
try and figure them out
ourselves
and in our ignorance we
develop patterns that are
unhealthy. Sex
is very spiritual and
spirituality can feel very
sexual at
times. I also believe this is
one of the factors that makes
sex
addictive, as I believe all
addictions are really a search
for
the spiritual. Addictive
substances and activities give
us that
incredible whole, at one with
the universe, complete,
euphoric
feeling that spirituality
makes us feel. Because it
feels so
wonderful, we want to feel it
over and over so we keep doing
the
substance or activity. After
awhile we need more and more
of the
substance or activity to have
the same feeling. We are not
taught that these incredible
spiritual feelings can be
achieved
on a regular basis through
developing deep healthy
relationships
with the universe, others and
ourselves.
Sex is not bad, dirty,
unhealthy and the root of
these
problems. It is the separation
of sex from our souls and
suppression of sexual energy
that creates these problems.
It is
the lack of understanding and
awareness of our sexual energy
and
the ignorance that that this
creates that causes to act in
ways
that our troublesome and
destructive. Being taught to
suppress
and divorce our sexual energy
separates us from a vital
piece of
our spirituality. Our whole
survival is dependant upon sex
as
well as being one of the most
pleasurable experiences we can
have and one of the most
spiritual experiences one can
have when
in the context of love and
respect. Sexuality is a core
ingredient of our spiritual
make up. By continually trying
to
suppress sexuality we are only
throwing fuel on the fire. The
solution is to explore and
embrace our sexual energy,
thoughts,
feelings, and fantasies.
Reclaim our sexuality and
reconnect it
to our souls. Get it out in
the open. Part of the reason
destructive sexual forces have
so much power is because of
the
suppression and shame.
Problems loose their power
when brought
out in the open and dealt with
directly.
So how do we shed ourselves of
years of negative conditioning
and develop a healthier
attitude, reconnect our souls
with our
sexuality and celebrate our
sexual selves. Well to begin
with
and to ensure that our next
generation will be a more
sexually
enlightened group of people we
start by teaching our
children.
From a very early age we help
them to develop a healthy
appreciation and respect for
their bodies and promote a
healthy
attitude towards masturbation.
We talk freely and openly with
them about sex without shame.
We encourage them to talk to
us
and ask questions. We teach
them the difference between
healthy
and unhealthy sex. We teach
them that sex is human,
healthy and
sacred and not just a physical
act.
My personal belief is that
healthy soul-satisfying sex
takes
place between two people who
connect on many levels and do
or
are on their way to care about
each other. In my experience
the
deeper the relationship and
the deeper the spiritual
connection
is then the more fantastic and
spiritual the sex will be.
Healthy spiritual sex can also
occur by yourself if you are
without partner by deepening
your relationship with
yourself.
Meaningless or casual sex
usually results in feelings of
emptiness, unfulfillment, and
shame. It takes us further
away
from our souls and leaves us
searching for more in someone
else.
In my opinion, great sex
requires, deep spiritual
connections,
deep intellectual connections,
communication and as the
relationship evolves trust
will become an issue.
Sometimes we
meet someone and have an
instant attraction. In this
instance
great sex can occur quickly,
but if deepening of the
spiritual
and intellectual connection,
communication and trust are
not
nurtured then this attraction
will diminish and die. These
things can only be developed
over time and therefore the
deeper
the trust, the connection and
communication is then the less
inhibitions we will have and
the freer we will become in
enjoying our sexual
experiences. The sex will
become even more
explosive and we will be able
achieve new heights of passion
and
fulfillment we didn’t know
existed. The depth of
relationships
has no limit except those that
we bring to it with our own
fears
and issues and therefore if we
allow the relationship to grow
and deepen there will always
be another higher level of
great
sex to be achieved.
I understand that many people
are comfortable with casual
sex
and that especially in
adolescents, young adulthood
and phases
of adulthood such as after
divorce that it may be
necessary to
experiment , retaliate or be
reckless to find ones way and
learn. Ultimately I believe
that what we find is that the
most
fulfilling sex is that which
is explored with someone we
care
about, but we may have to go
down many roads and go through
many
experiences to learn this for
ourselves. So while we are on
this
journey or when we are with
our loving partner I believe
there
are basic tenets we should
teach our children and abide
by
ourselves to promote
spiritual, respectful, ethical
sex. Those
tenets are: · Respect ·
Neither party should be hurt
physically
· No coercion · Honesty ·
Both parties should agree upon
the
activity engaged in ·
Communication · Both parties
should want
the same result. (Ex. If you
are looking for just sex then
you
should not have sex with
someone you know is looking
for a
relationship. )
Other steps you can take to
continue to celebrate your
sexuality
may include beginning to tell
yourself different messages.
Tell
yourself that sex is great,
wonderful, good and spiritual.
Find
some good books on healthy
sexuality and erotica and
read, read,
read. Visit some websites. Do
everything you can to educate
yourself. It will probably
take a long time to override
the old
voices in your head and you
may need to hear the new
messages
over and over. It may be
helpful to talk to someone
like an
advisor or an educator to help
validate your new messages.
Try
to find friends who are on the
journey of understanding their
sexuality or who are
comfortable with sex that you
can share
this aspect of yourself with
freely.
Explore your own body and
discover what you like and
what you
don’t. Find what excites you
and what doesn’t. What feels
good
and what doesn’t. Make love
with yourself. If you have a
partner, let your partner know
what you need and want and
when
you become comfortable with
it, then allow your partner to
watch
you while you fulfill
yourself. This can be very
arousing for
both partners and it teaches
you both new things about each
other’s bodies.
Be adventurous. Be aware. Be
present in the here and now.
Allow
yourself to become immersed in
the sexual experience. Open
yourself up and fully
experience each touch,
sensation, smell,
movement, sound and taste
while you are making love with
yourself or your lover. Tune
into your body and soul and
listen
to the yearnings of your soul;
they will guide you. Be
willing
to try new things even if they
feel foreign or scary.
Get naked outside and make
wild passionate love.
Personally I
believe that there is not
anything more arousing and
spiritual
than to be naked outside and
make love with the feel of the
elements upon your body. There
is something incredibly
freeing
about it and it elicits
uninhibited passions. It takes
you back
to the primal basics. This can
be done either by yourself or
with partner.
Communicate. Communicate.
Communicate. This cannot be
emphasized
enough. Talk to your lover
about your feelings, needs,
wants.
Express your fears,
inhibitions and embarrassments
as well as
your fantasies and
expectations. If you are
without partner then
get to know yourself
completely from the inside
out. Not only
will this enhance your sexual
experience, but will make life
more fulfilling in general and
if the time comes to be with a
partner again then you will be
a better lover and better able
to
enjoy the experience fully. If
you are with partner then get
to
know yourself and your lover
from the inside out.
Sex is one of the most
powerful spiritual experiences
we can
experience. It should be
celebrated and honored for the
magnificent gift that it is.
Reclaim your sexuality.
Experience
the wonder and joy of
soul-satisfying sex. Your soul
will thank
you.
About the author:
Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed is a
writer, educator,
therapist/advisor/coach and
holistic health consultant
specializing in Erotic
Communication, Sexual
Intimacy, Soul
Satisfying Sex as well as
issues of living with chronic
illness,
chronic pain or disability.
Sexuality services can be
found at
http://www.holistichelp.net/sexandsoul
and Chronic illness
services can be found at
http://www.holistichelp.net/
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