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Sex, Lies, Affairs, and
Relationships
Author: Kali Munro, M.Ed.,
Psychotherapist
Have you ever had a strong
desire to have sex with
someone other
than your partner, and didn't
know what to do with it? Maybe
you've had an affair, but are
scared to tell your partner,
or
you think s/he is better off
not knowing. Maybe s/he
already
knows, and it's blown up in an
ugly mess. You don't want to
lose
your relationship, and you
don't want to feel stuck in
this
place either.
There's nothing wrong with
feeling attracted, even
strongly
attracted, to another person.
Some couples have fun sharing
their stories of attraction
and desire. Others just want
to be
open to all that they are
feeling without acting on it,
to see
what they can learn about
themselves. Sometimes, it's
just fun
to indulge in fantasies
without worrying about what
they mean.
But what about the situation
when there is an agreement to
be
monogamous, and someone has an
affair? How does this affect
both
partners? Does it mean the end
of the relationship?
It's possible for a
relationship to last after an
affair, but
whether it really heals or not
is another question. It's very
tempting to try to put an
affair behind you, but the
reality is
that it will continue to
surface in different ways in
your
relationship if it's not
adequately addressed. When
couples take
the time to talk it through,
usually many times, and offer
true
understanding to each other,
they have a better chance of
moving
on in a real way.
Sometimes an affair is the
begining of the end to a
relationship
that was already coming apart.
Other times, an affair can
lead
to a breakup, when one partner
falls in love with someone
else.
If you are considering having
an affair, or have had one
already, it's important to
sort through how you are
feeling and
what those feelings mean. Some
people say it doesn't mean
anything, but I think it
always means something, even
if it
means that you and your
partner don't agree on the
monogamy
issue. If you don't know, it
might help to ask yourself
some
questions about the larger
context:
* When, where, with whom, and
under what circumstances do
you
want, to have an affair, or
did you have an affair? What
were
you thinking and feeling at
those times? * What were you
hoping
to feel (besides turned on)? *
Would you say that there is
anything missing or bothering
you about your relationship or
yourself? Does the affair
offset that somehow? * What
makes the
affair or the person
attractive to you? * Is there
something you
need to learn about yourself
or your relationship that will
be
missing, or was missing, by
acting on your feelings?
When an affair is out in the
open, both partners need to
talk
about what it means and how
they feel. Some people who've
had
affairs describe the
experience as having no impact
on how they
feel about their partner. Some
experience it as a wake-up
call,
an indication of how they're
feeling in the relationship,
pointing to what is missing
for them and what they want to
see
changed. Others see it as a
huge mistake, happening at a
time
when they or their
relationship was vulnerable.
They wish they
had never done it.
Sometimes affairs are a form
of abuse, in which case they
need
to be seen in that light --
someone being abusive needs to
take
full responsibility and get
help.
People whose partner had an
affair usually feel confused,
hurt,
betrayed, and angry. For the
relationship to last, their
feelings need to be heard and
understood by their partner,
many
times. S/he may have all sorts
of questions in order to make
sense of what happened.
Her/his trust will need to be
rebuilt
slowly.
While affairs hurt
relationships, so do lies and
a lack of
honesty. Often the biggest
hurdle is being honest and
facing not
only your own feelings, but
your partner's. No one wants
to feel
responsible for someone else's
pain, but being able to be
there
for your partner in her/his
pain is vitally important. A
relationship can survive an
affair; it can even grow
stronger.
But it takes both partners
being gentle and patient (with
space
for anger), facing their fears
and vulnerabilities, and
voicing
what is true for both of them.
About the author:
Kali Munro, M.Ed., is a
Toronto psychotherapist with
twenty
years experience. She also has
an online practice. She has
published many self-help
articles about relationships,
sexual
abuse, lesbian and gay issues,
body image, and other personal
growth issues. Her website has
lots of free articles,
self-quizzes, self-help tips,
inspirational quotes and
poetry,
and free e-books and
e-newsletters. Check out her
website at
www.KaliMunro.com
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