|
Breaking Your Relationship
Pattern, Part 4
Author: Rinatta Paries
Finally, after all of the hard
work you have done completing
your past, here is a way to
break your relationship
pattern.
Relationship choices are often
based on patterns created in
our
childhood. These patterns are
automatic and subliminal. We
believe ours is the way
relationships ought to be.
There is no problem having a
pattern that leads you to
loving,
satisfying, long-term
relationships. However, many
people have
patterns that cause them
nothing but the heartache of
unsuccessful relationships.
There is a way out, a way for
you to be free of your
particular
pattern and to be free to make
your relationship choices
based
on what you need and want. The
best way is to understand
where
your relationship pattern
comes from. Then you can
consciously
choose what works for you and
what doesn't, what you want to
continue and what you want to
stop, and how you want your
next
relationship to be.
Below is a powerful exercise.
In doing this exercise, you
will
discover information about
your relationships and
yourself.
Knowledge of yourself is
freedom to choose, freedom to
act
differently, freedom to have
what you want.
Pattern Tracker©
Section 1. Instructions:
Answer the following question
for all
of your significant past
relationships. Significant
means you
had or still have strong
feelings about the person. Go
backwards
in your history, starting with
the most recent relationship.
Write down your answers.
* What hurtful things did your
partner do in your last
relationship? * What hurtful
things did your partner do in
the
relationship before that? *
What about the relationship
before
that?
Section 2. Instructions:
Answer the following questions
and
write down your answers.
* What hurtful things did your
parent of the opposite sex do
to
his/her partner? * What
hurtful things did your parent
of the
same sex do to his/her
partner? * What hurtful things
did your
parent of the opposite sex do
to you? * What hurtful things
did
your parent of the same sex do
to you?
Section 3. Instructions: You
will need to refer to your
responses from the previous
two sections. To make
answering the
following questions easier,
you may want to copy out those
responses. Write down your
answers.
* What are the similarities
between the hurtful behaviors
of
your parents and your past
partners? * Are the behaviors
opposite?
Section 4. Instructions:
Answer the following
questions, writing
down your answers.
* Your parents' relationship
with each other and with you
is the
basis for your relationship
pattern. What kinds of pattern
were
you programmed to have in your
intimate relationship? * Are
you
repeating your parents'
relationship pattern in your
own
relationships? * Are you
reacting to your parents'
relationship
by doing the opposite of their
pattern?
Example: (Names and details
changed to preserve privacy)
When my client Sonya did this
exercise, she filled out
Section 1
by listing all three of her
significant relationship
partners as
unavailable and uninterested.
Her most recent partner, Jeff,
lives in New York, while she
lives in Boston. He was barely
making time for her. They were
only seeing each other once a
month and even then he would
find reasons to be away from
her.
He was very argumentative and
would never be the one to say
he
was sorry.
Her previous partner, Ronald,
simply did not want to
continue in
their relationship. Every time
something would go wrong, he
would back away a little bit
more until there was no longer
a
relationship. Sonya wrote down
that Ronald was unavailable
because he was unable to be
emotionally close. He was also
uninterested -- he did
eventually walk away from the
relationship. This man was not
argumentative, instead
avoiding
arguments at all cost.
Sonya's very first significant
partner, Rob, was the love of
her
life. They loved each other
deeply, but even that did not
keep
them together or prevent him
from doing hurtful things. As
the
relationship progressed he
started to withdraw more and
more.
Eventually he lost interest in
her physically. They tried to
work it out, but he would shy
away from confrontation and
nothing ever got resolved.
Here is Sonya's Section 1: *
Jeff was unavailable,
uninterested
and argumentative. * Ronald
was unavailable and
uninterested,
and avoided confrontation. *
Rob was withdrawn,
uninterested,
and avoided confrontation.
Sonya had to think hard about
Section 2. She did not want to
blame her parents or make them
look bad. But as she thought
about their relationship with
each other and with her, she
began
to see some patterns.
She remembered her parents
arguing often. Her mother felt
the
father did not care, did not
want her, and did not
participate
in the relationship or the
family. Sonya also remembered
that
her mother was the one who
started these arguments and
did the
yelling, while her father
first listened and then walked
away.
Sonya's father did not spend
much time with her, but was a
good
financial support. When her
father eventually left, he did
not
stay in touch. Her mother told
her over and over how all men
eventually lose interest and
leave.
Here is what Sonya wrote for
section 2: * Father
unavailable,
uninterested and avoided
confrontation. * Mother
argumentative
and blaming. * Father not
around for me, not wanting me,
leaving
eventually. * Mother told me
all men lose interest and
leave.
When it came to Section 3,
Sonya copied out the responses
from
the previous sections. She
came up with the following
list:
* Jeff was unavailable,
uninterested and
argumentative. * Ronald
was unavailable and
uninterested, and avoided
confrontation. *
Rob was withdrawn,
uninterested, and avoided
confrontation.
* Father unavailable,
uninterested and avoided
confrontation. *
Mother argumentative and
blaming. * Father not around
for me,
not wanting me, leaving
eventually. * Mother told me
all men
lose interest and leave.
In answering the question,
"What are the
similarities between
the hurtful behaviors of your
parents and your past
partners?"
she noticed many similarities.
For example, she noticed that
all
of the men, with whom she has
had a significant
relationship,
ended up treating her the way
her father treated both her
and
her mother. Sonya also noticed
with a gasp that all of her
relationships have fulfilled
her mother's prophecy.
In answering the question,
"Are the behaviors
opposite?", she
noticed that Jeff, her most
recent relationship partner,
was
argumentative. In this way he
was the opposite of her father
and
more like her mother.
Here is Sonya's Section 3: *
Father unavailable to me and
mother; I find men who are not
available. * Father was
uninterested in mother and me;
I find men who lose interest
in
me. * Father avoided
confrontation; two of the
three
relationships were with men
who avoid confrontation. *
Father
left; I attract men who
eventually leave. And mother
told me
they would.
* A man who is argumentative
is the opposite of my father,
but
just like my mother.
Finally, Sonya came to Section
4. What kind of a relationship
pattern was she programmed
for? The answered seemed
obvious:
exactly the kind of pattern
she has been living out, where
the
men with whom she's in a
relationship become
unavailable, lose
interest and eventually leave.
She is programmed to have
relationships that are domed
to fail because she is with
partners who cannot work
through the relationship for
fear of
confrontation.
She had to answer
"yes" when asked if
she was repeating her
parents' relationship pattern
in her own relationships. She
also
had to answer "yes"
when asked whether she was
doing the
opposite of her parents. And
she realized that doing the
opposite got her the same
exact result.
Here is Sonya's Section 4: * I
was programmed to have a
relationship pattern where my
partner will become
unavailable,
losing interest in me and
eventually leaving. * I am
exactly
repeating the pattern in my
parents' relationship. *
Sometimes I
have done the opposite of my
parents' relationship, but got
exactly the same result.
If you do the exercise
yourself, I'm certain you'll
have some
great realizations, perhaps
even a sense of relief. You
will
better understand why you
attract and are attracted to
certain
kinds of partners. You will
understand your relationship
pattern. And in understanding
your pattern, you will be able
to
break it and break free.
About the author:
Having coined the phrase
"relationship
coach," Master Certified
Coach Rinatta Paries works
with singles to help them
attract
their ideal relationship, and
helps couples create more love
and
fulfillment in their existing
relationships. Visit her web
site
at www.WhatItTakes.com or
e-mail her at coach@WhatItTakes.com.
dating
services | online
dating
| adult
personals
|
|
