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Breaking Your Relationship
Pattern, Part 3
Author: Rinatta Paries
Do you want to put to rest the
people and situations from
your
past so they do not interfere
with your current and future
relationships?
I bet you said yes. Who
doesn't have something in
their past
they want to put to rest? Then
let's talk about what action
steps you can take to create
the absence of past -- or
completion -- in your life.
Below are a series of action
steps. You'll want to pick a
few
and repeat them until you are
complete with various people
and
circumstances from your past.
The time it takes to get to
genuine completion will vary
from
person to person and situation
to situation. For some it can
come quickly. But sometimes
completion happens over time:
we may
have to forgive, let go, or
communicate to people in
stages over
a period of time.
Here are 10 action steps to
put to rest the people and
situations from your past. Use
these action steps on the list
of
incompletions you created from
last week's article.
1. Write Letters Write letters
to the person or people to
whom
you feel resentful, hurt, or
still attached. Freely say
everything you want to say and
write as many letters as
necessary to feel complete,
each time going deeper inside
to
express your full emotions. Do
not send these letters, but
instead do something with them
that leads you to feel you are
getting rid of the feelings.
Flush the letters down the
toilet,
burn them, bury them, etc.
2. Tell Your Story Tell your
story over and over to a
trusted
friend, advisor, or your
journal. Make sure neither you
nor the
person listening edit or judge
what you say or write, give
advice, or make comments to
dispute your feelings. Your
job is
to communicate and be listened
to attentively.
3. Talk to the Right Person
Talk to the person with whom
you
have the incompletion. Do this
only if you are sure the
person
will be able to listen to you
in the same way as in Step 2
above. If you do have this
conversation, make sure not to
blame
or be rude, but talk about
your feelings and the
consequences in
your life. If you have the
opportunity, have as many
conversations as you need to
get complete.
4. Imagine Talking to the
Right Person If the
conversation in
Step 3 above is not feasible,
have this conversation in your
imagination. Give the
conversation as much time and
undivided
attention as you would give a
real conversation. This works
best
as a closed eye
meditation/visualization.
5. Role Play Ask a trusted
friend to role-play the
incomplete
situation with you or imagine
being back in the situation.
Use
this opportunity to say what
you wish you had said. Repeat
the
role play again, but this time
have the other person act in a
way that would have avoided
causing the incompletion.
Repeat the
process over time until you
feel complete.
6. Reexamine Reexamine the
situation from the vantage
point of
the present. How did you grow
as a result? Was there a
hidden
gift in going through the
experience? What did you learn
from
the situation? Repeat until
you can feel gratitude toward
the
situation and the other
person.
7. Own What Happened Take
responsibility for it and
figure out
how to prevent a similar
situation from happening
again. Answer
the following questions at
length in your journal: How
did you
contribute to the situation,
specifically? What motivated
you?
What did you ignore or not
communicate? How will you
respond
differently next time at each
of the key junctures?
8. Create Completion by
Understanding Look at the
other person's
motivations. You do not have
to approve or agree. Simply
understand. Answer the
following questions at length
in your
journal: What made his/her
actions inevitable? Did he/she
have a
true choice? What would have
had to be different in order
for
his/her actions to be
different?
9. Repair the Damage or Loss
Actively repair the damage or
loss.
If something of yours was
taken, replace it with an item
just as
good or better. If you were
emotionally hurt, give
yourself the
kind of support,
acknowledgement, and love you
wanted from the
other person. Ask trusted
others to provide you with the
emotional support you needed
and did not get.
10. Talk to the Spirit of the
Person Sometimes our
relationships
go so wrong and so much hurt
is created that it is
difficult to
imagine the person giving us
the understanding we need to
get
complete. In these cases,
imagine having a conversation
with the
person's spirit, attentively
listening while you say
everything
you need to say. Even when the
person may not be able to hear
you, their spirit always will.
Repeat this process until you
are
complete.
These steps will help you put
your past to rest. You will be
ready to start working on
attracting your ideal Mr. or
Ms. Right
-- figuring out and then
breaking your relationship
pattern.
About the author:
Having coined the phrase
"relationship
coach," Master Certified
Coach Rinatta Paries works
with singles to help them
attract
their ideal relationship, and
helps couples create more love
and
fulfillment in their existing
relationships. Visit her web
site
at www.WhatItTakes.com or
e-mail her at coach@WhatItTakes.com.
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