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Reader Q&A
By Rinatta Paries
About every couple of months I
answer readers' relationship questions. I try to answer
questions in such a way as to
both serve the person asking the
question, while also sharing
with all readers some relationship
truth or principle I see as
the underlying question. This
month I am also adding a new
highlight to the Q&A. The
"Featured Question"
can now be found at the end of the Q&A, and is picked
because of its broad appeal.
This question will get a much more
in-depth response.
Q. I am 23 and have been
dating a guy for 2 years.
Everything is fine except that my boyfriend
is very possessive, suspicious
and
jealous. This type of behavior
is killing me. I have openly discussed it with him but he
says it's because he loves me
too much. This puts me off. If you
could please help… ~Rose
A. Dear Rose, I am not
surprised your boyfriend's
possessiveness and jealousy is putting you
off and making you feel
stifled. I
think you already know this
behavior has nothing to do
with how much he loves you, but has to
do with his fear of being
hurt,
abandoned, perhaps being
cheated on. I am going to
assume you have not done anything to make
him feel more insecure than he
already is, which means how he
feels has nothing to do with
you. The bad news is that you
cannot do anything to make him
stop
being possessive, suspicious
and jealous. The good news is
that you don't have to take it
personally. The better news is
that you don't need to try to make
him feel better, because you
can't - he will likely have these
feelings for a long time, in
any relationship he is in. So go
about your life, doing what
you need to do and stop
accommodating his feelings.
This is your only hope of helping him ever
get over them.
Q. I really like this girl and
I think she likes me. The
problem is that she is dating someone.
The bigger problem is that she
is dating my friend. What do I
do? ~Tommy
A. Dear Tommy, As I see it,
you have two choices - let the
girl know you like her, but lose
the friendship with your
friend. Or, keep the friendship and go
find another girl to focus on.
It all depends on how important the
friendship is to you.
Q. Can you offer any insight
into achieving intimacy,
openness and honesty in a relationship
without hurting the other
person?
I see anger as the root of
most intimacy problems.
~Krista
A. Dear Krista, You are right.
Unresolved anger turned into resentment is the root of most
intimacy problems. Resolving anger and resentments when
they arise, as they will
occasionally in any relationship, is the
surest path to intimacy,
openness and honesty. However, it's
almost impossible not to hurt
the
other person, in any
relationship. The truth is,
you will hurt your partner - sometimes
unintentionally and sometimes
even
intentionally. Hurting each
other occasionally does not
have to mean the end of the
relationship. It is what the
two of you do
with the hurt that matters. In
an open, intimate relationship
the two people will talk about
their anger and hurt, and
learn
to listen to each other in
such a way that the negative
emotions will get worked through.
Q. I have lived with a man for
a year-and-a-half, and I'm
really not sure if he's the one for
me. My issue is this: Ralph
wants
to do, literally, everything I
do, and everything together.
He wants to wake up together in
the morning, shower together,
leave for work together, spend all
of our evenings together, and
go to bed at the same time. I feel
like he's infringing on my individuality, and I feel like
he's clinging to me in an unhealthy way. I've given up
my morning exercise routine
because it bothered him that we didn't
spend mornings together. I'm a
writer and I like to do some
writing in the mornings...I
really enjoy waking early and having
some time to myself. Because I
wake up early, he wants to
wake up early too. When he
does this I feel like he's a little
puppy dog who just needs to
follow me around all day and do
everything I do. If I say I
don't WANT him to do that he feels rejected,
and as if something is wrong because I don't want him there
all the time.
It's not that I don't want to
do anything together. We're
taking a painting class together one
night a week, and it's very
enjoyable and fun to share
this time together. We have
dinner together every night, which I
also love. On the other hand,
I also wonder if I'm making up
this story about his lack of
independence...and perhaps I'm
not allowing myself to
"be" with a man. I wonder
sometimes if
he's "good enough,"
and then I feel guilty that I'm such a
"snob."
I have anger that bubbles up
around these issues all the
time. What do I do? ~Jane
A. Dear Jane, People in
relationships need time apart
and need their own lives in order for
the relationship to work. So I
am wondering why you have been
willing to give this part of
yourself up, giving up your
time alone, your exercise,
your writing, instead of allowing
your partner to deal with his feeling of rejection? After
all, you know you are not
rejecting
him when you want some space
and time - you are taking care
of yourself. If this brings up
feelings of rejection for him,
you can gently help him deal with
the feelings, instead of
trying to fix the situation so that he
does not feel rejected. I
suggest you try taking care of
yourself and then help him
deal with his emotions as they come up, by
listening and being
understanding, but not giving up yourself
again. I think this will
change how
you feel about him.
Q. I've been with my boyfriend
for over 9 months now. We were
engaged and broke off the
engagement on the grounds that
it was
just too soon for the both of
us. Lately I've been feeling
like he's lost interest in me. He
spends most of his time on the
computer or asleep and we
hardly ever speak to each
other. He's very snippy and when we do
speak, one of us always gets
angry or
we start an argument. I'm
beginning to stop loving him,
and I'm not sure how to bring up any
conversation about this
without starting an argument. He
always says that I'm putting
words in his mouth or what I'm saying
is a lie, when I know it
isn't. Even our close friends have
realized that our relationship
is falling apart. Should I try to
discuss this with him or
should I decide to end things and see
if that is for the better?
~Anonymous
A. Dear Anonymous, I think it
is always better to try to
talk
things out with your partner.
How about you try to talk to
him
about what is going on between
the two of you and try to
listen
when he responds. Most of all,
refuse to get into an argument
with him. Arguing is often one
way to avoid dealing with the
real issues, so if you refuse
to be pulled into an argument,
you
might just have a chance to
get to the truth. ~Your
Relationship
Coach
**Featured Question** Q: I'm
just at the point of bringing
a new
email "relationship"
to the next level of an actual
date. Any
tips on making our first
encounter work? Or tips in
general?
~Anonymous
A. Dear Anonymous, I would
like to offer you some tips
for
meeting people online and then
dating them. Specifically, it
is
important to remember that
meeting someone online is
different
than meeting people during the
course of everyday life.
Therefore, relationships
formed online need special
handling
while you get to know each
other.
1. If you meet someone online
and either feel chemistry or
think
there may be a potential, set
up an in-person meeting.
I suggest you do this sooner
rather than later, as soon as
possible in fact. You want to
really meet the person and
perhaps
form a relationship with him
or her, and not form a
relationship
with his or her online persona
only. No matter how honest and
forthright a person is, you
cannot fully experience
someone
while solely interacting
online - you only get a
one-dimensional
take. Too many times I have
seen people falling in love
online
or by email, only to meet and
find out they are not very
compatible.
2. Have low expectations and
see if you can be detached
from the
outcome of the first meeting.
It is stressful to meet
someone new, even more
stressful if you
have gotten to know each other
in the artificial environment
of
online dating. Don't add to
either of your discomfort by
having
huge expectations about how
things will turn out. See if
you can
allow for chemistry, perhaps a
relationship. But if not,
allow
for friendship or some other
significant connection.
3. Stay safe during the
meeting.
This almost goes without
saying, but I will say it
anyway. Meet
this new person in a
well-populated public place
only, and
remain in the public place for
the entire date. If there are
more dates with this person,
meet in public place until the
two
of you really get to know each
other. And while you are out
on
these dates, have your cell
phone with you, have a back up
plan
to take care of yourself and
let a close friend or family
member
know where you are and who you
are with.
4. If you meet online first,
then meet in person and like
each
other, you still need plenty
of time to establish the
relationship.
When everything goes right and
the person you met online
turns
out to be just the person you
like/want/are attracted to,
still
take time to get to know each
other in everyday, real life.
As
far as I can tell from
coaching hundreds of singles,
the biggest
predictor of a successful
relationship is the amount of
time a
couple takes to get to know
each other, in person. In
other
words, if you take three
months of real life dating to
get to
know each other, you are more
likely to have a successful
relationship than if you got
to know each other mostly
online,
or if you jumped into a
relationship quickly.
5. Do not get physically
intimate until you know each
other in
real life.
To follow up on the above, the
second biggest predictor of a
successful relationship, as
far as I can see, is
establishing
intimacy slowly. Really, there
is nothing wrong with sex
between
consenting adults, except that
it creates a false sense of
intimacy. Once you sleep with
someone, you will often feel
close
and endearing toward each
other. You will tend to
overlook
incompatibilities, which may
otherwise make this
relationship a
"no go."
Unfortunately, this sense of
intimacy will last at the
outmost for about 3 months, at
which point all things you
could
not see or refused to see in
the beginning will reveal
themselves. It's better to see
things as they are at the
start
and have a choice about
whether or not to go forward
with the
relationship.
About the author:
Having coined the phrase
"relationship
coach," Master Certified
Coach Rinatta Paries works
with singles to help them
attract
their ideal relationship, and
helps couples create more love
and
fulfillment in their existing
relationships. Visit her web
site
at www.WhatItTakes.com or
e-mail her at coach@WhatItTakes.com.
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