Why
We Choose The People We
Love
by Terri Arnold, MS
(Spicy Grandma) |
“Those
who do not remember the
past are condemned to
repeat it.” George
Santayana
“Why do I always wind
up with the wrong
person? I want
someone who is kind,
loving, reliable and
open. Yet my
relationships are always
with men who are angry,
hostile,
emotionally unavailable
and cannot keep a
job.”
“I want a woman who is
emotionally stable and
independent, but
I always wind up with
women who are overly
dramatic, tend to
hysteria and depend on
me to make their
decisions.”
These are common
problems brought to me
by clients.
They blame bad luck,
coincidence or accident
for winding up
with the exact opposite
of the type of person
they say they
prefer in a
relationship.
One very attractive
female marketing manager
in her
mid thirties agonized -
“If I went to a party
and there were
fifty men in the room -
and 49 were college
graduates who were
business or professional
men - and the 50th was a
high-school
dropout with a felony
police record - number
50 and I would
somehow find each
other.”
We make our relationship
choices based on life
experiences
accumulated from
childhood. We
subconsciously integrate
these experiences and
react from them to
current situations.
Children’s psyches are
like unwritten slates.
The messages
we receive from our
parents are stored upon
them as if etched
in stone. We internalize
these messages and
accept them without
question as we mature
because in the child’s
mind, mommy and
daddy - who are our
ultimate authority
figures - said it is so!
When a little girl has a
father who is physically
present but
emotionally absent and
does not provide her
with the love and
nurturing she needs, she
will grow up with a big
empty space in
her heart where that
love should have been.
The message -
although unspoken -
tells her that she is
not important and
not deserving of love.
This little girl will
subconsciously seek a
man with her
father’s rejecting
characteristics - so she
can relive her
initial relationship -
and this time she will
win.
When a little boy grows
up with a weak and
dependent
mother who increasingly
leans on him in his
father’s
absence, he is put in an
adult situation
inappropriate to
his years. Although in
manhood he states he
resents female
dependency, he is used
to taking the role of
rescuer and naturally
will gravitate to women
with emotional broken
wings that need
fixing.
In our adult
relationships, we seek
to create situations in
which
we are comfortable -
regardless of their
dysfunctionality. If
you grew up in a chaotic
home, you will
subconsciously tend to
chaotic relationships.
Our home environment,
how we were
raised, is what we
consider normal.
Our adult relationships
follow a pattern. A
simple exercise
will reveal that pattern
to you. Write the names
of all of the
people with whom you
have had a significant
relationship.
Under each name, list
all the negative
characteristics you can
remember - for instance:
bad temper, continually
late for
dates, poor money
manager, etc.
After you have completed
your list, review the
character
traits that are shared
by your dating partners.
Circle or
yellow high-lite these
recurring traits and you
will see the
emergence of a pattern.
While discussing the
concept of this article
with a friend,
she was motivated to
make the list and was
uncomfortable
with the fact that these
traits stood out among
her three past
serious relationships:
aggressive personality,
alcoholism,
and emotional
unavailability.
I helped my friend work
thru her feelings about
this new
realization as I did
with my clients.
Awareness of the pattern
is the first step to
changing it. Talking
about it with a
therapist
or trusted friend is the
next important step
because you are
then exposing this
destructive pattern to
the light and can
carry this awareness
with you when you begin
your next
relationship.
Be assured - patterns
are not etched in stone.
They can be
changed with awareness
and work.
|
| About
the Author |
| Terri
Arnold, MS (Spicy
Grandma) has been a
Psychotherapist for over
twenty years. She has
also owned and operated
a brick and mortar
dating service. Terri
invites you to visit her
friendly, interactive
and informative 50+
dating community at
http://www.spicy-senior-singles.com
dating
services | online
dating
| adult
personals
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