Why
Do People Cheat?
by Susan Dunn, MA, The
EQ Coach |
“People usually cheat
because there is a
conflict between their
physical and emotional
desires,” said an
article I read on the
Internet, and it went on
to talk about the sex
drive (which comes from
the reptilian brain) and
the “emotional
monogamous” need,
which has only been
around for a few
thousand years.
The reptilian brain has
been around for millions
of years, the limbic
brain less than that,
and the neocortex, still
less than that. Those
are our three brains, in
evolutionary succession.
The drives and instincts
from the reptilian brain
are very strong because
they’re related to
survival –
reproduction being one
of them.
But the sex drive
isn’t the only
instinct coming from the
reptilian brain, and
monogamy not the only
societal restraint put
on these drives, and
when we fail to mitigate
some of these instincts,
to think them through
before acting upon them,
we always end up
“cheating” –
ourselves, others, and
the best deal in the
situation.
Emotional intelligence
is all about using all
of our brains and their
capacities. We will
always be assaulted, so
to speak, by feelings we
can’t, or shouldn’t
act upon.
And “shouldn’t”
isn’t always a bad
word.
“Should “ you kill
someone because they
anger you? Of course
not. What stops you from
doing it? The thousands
of years of evolutionary
brain development, the
constraints of the
civilized society in
which you live, and your
ability to use your
limbic and neocortex
brains.
It is a rare parent, for
instance, who will do
willful damage to their
own child, no matter
what damage they cause.
This is because the
limbic brain controls
the emotions of social
bonding and parenting,
and then we also have
the neocortex which
allows us to think. The
catch is, we have to
STOP and THINK. We
“understand” when
our toddler slams us
across the nose with a
brick all the things
that we understand,
while we’re seeing
stars before out eyes,
and our parental
instinct is stronger
than our desire to lash
back, even when in pain.
Emotions predate
thinking, and are
stronger. They’re our
guides and keep us safe
and alive. But they
aren’t always
appropriate to living in
this century. We can no
longer “eat what
annoys us.” When we
get strong emotions, we
can be “hijacked,”
because they’re
designed to shut down
thinking. If, back when
these instincts
developed, we stopped to
think, we would be dead.
Consider, for instance,
if a wooly mammoth were
headed your way. The
brain pumps out
chemicals saying
“fight or flight,”
because it doesn’t
want us to take the time
to think. This triggers
“automatic”
responses – we turn
and run, or turn to
fight, with all systems
on full alert.
You know this feeling if
you’ve avoided a car
accident by very fast
and automatic actions.
Being a cerebral type,
the thought even flashed
through my mind as I
slammed on the brakes
the other day to avoid
being blind-sided by a
driver who must’ve
been drunk or stoned,
“that cake on the back
seat is going to be all
over this car.” But
slam the brakes and
steer for dear-life I
did, long before I
thought, at least in
terms of the seconds it
takes to save your life.
People talk about this
phenomenon, BTW, saying
things like “My life
passed before my
eyes.” It’s like you
think, but it isn’t
connected to action, and
there’s a very
distorted sense of time.
If you’ve had it
happen, you know what I
mean. There are times
when “time stands
still.”
One strong emotion that
“hijacks” us is
anger. Say you’re at
work, tired and
pressured to begin with,
and maybe it’s too hot
inside with no air
circulation, and maybe
the colleague you have
to team with on a
project isn’t your
favorite to begin with.
If he says to you
something that is, or is
perceived to be, an
insult, you can get
“hijacked” and cheat
yourself, the other, and
the goals of the
project.
You stop thinking and
start yelling back, or
walk out, and the
project is left far
behind in the dust and
damage may also be done
to the collegial
relationship.
Must you react to this
strong emotion of anger?
Sometimes men say they
couldn’t help hitting
their wives “because
she made me angry.”
The counter to that is
– think about it –
if Mike Tyson made you
that angry could you
“help’ hitting him?
I think you will agree
with the statement that
even the strongest
emotions can be
controlled in your
self-interest, and
stopping to think makes
it clearer what your
self-interest (and the
general good) is.
Another strong emotion
like this is fear. If
you become intimidated
by someone, that is to
say scared, you will
also get flooded with
emotion and not think
clearly. You’ll
“cheat” again –
yourself, the others,
and the goals.
You know this feeling if
you’ve ever received
terrible news. I sat
with someone as her
doctor told her she had
cancer and it was
terminal, and the person
did not absorb what was
being said. Two weeks
later she asked me why
something was being
done, and I had to tell
her the news the doctor
had. As a
self-preservation
measure, her brain just
shut down.
So how do you keep from
cheating? When the
emotions are strong,
note them, and
experience them, but
don’t react
immediately. Respond
instead. This means
putting a gap between
the stimulus (the
angering person or
event) and your response
(action). You can do
this first of all by
becoming aware.
Self-awareness is the
cornerstone of emotional
intelligence. Without
it, there can be no
emotional intelligence.
You need to be able to
observe yourself and
recognize a feeling as
it happens. Then handle
it appropriately,
realizing what’s
behind it and finding
ways to manage fear,
anger, anxieties and
sadness. Then channel
the emotions in the
service of the goal,
using emotional
self-control, stifling
impulses and delaying
gratification. Finally,
you have to be able to
do this about the other
person, being sensitive
to their feelings and
understanding their
position, and, when
necessary, managing the
emotions of others using
social competence.
Those impulses will
always be lurking
around. Cheating is an
option, not a necessity.
It’s your ability to
choose that gives you
Personal Power, an EQ
competency, and your
freedom lies in that
space between the
stimulus and the
response.
|
| About
the Author |
| ©Susan
Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach™,
http://www.susandunn.cc
. I offer coaching,
distance learning
courses and ebooks
around emotional
intelligence for
personal and
professional
development. For daily
EQ tips, send blank
email to EQ4U-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
. i train and certify
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