Overreaction
by Rinatta Paries |
Has the following ever
happened to you? You are
discussing an issue with
your partner when the
discussion suddenly
turns into a heated
argument. Neither person
knows what happened or
how to make it better. A
battle ensues and lots
of feelings are hurt.
This is overreaction in
progress.
If this sounds familiar,
it's because most of us
have been in this
situation. Want to know
how to deal with these
types of situations and
understand why they
happen? Welcome to
Overreaction 101.
Everyone has some
painful memories from
past relationships and
interactions. When a
person overreacts in the
present it is usually
because a painful memory
from a past incident is
being triggered.
The person whose painful
memory has been
triggered is no longer
having a conversation in
the present moment, but
is reliving a past
event. He or she may be
having an old argument
with the person who
originally caused hurt
feelings. Or he or she
may be reliving an old
hurt, feeling as if it
is happening all over
again.
This is why the reaction
is so strong, why it is
an overreaction. It's as
if a wound that just
barely started to heal
is ripped open, and the
person is now in a huge
amount of pain.
There are six steps to
take in order to
effectively handle a
person who is
overreacting. If your
partner is the one who
tends to overreact,
apply these steps when
overreaction happens,
and also share these
steps with him or her in
a moment of calm.
If you are the one who
tends to overreact, arm
your partner with the
six steps below to
protect him or her and
your relationship.
1. Have compassion in
the same way you would
if a real physical wound
was ripped open.
A person overreacting is
in real pain. Yes, they
are lashing out at you,
saying hurtful or
inflaming things, maybe
even being offensive.
But these are the exact
signs of a person in
pain. See if you can
stop from having a
reaction yourself, and
instead feel compassion.
2. Table the current
discussion - you will
not resolve it at this
point. Make a mental
note to return to it
soon.
A person in the middle
of an overreaction is
extremely unreasonable.
Try as you might, there
is virtually zero chance
you can have a normal
conversation with him or
her, or get
anything accomplished.
However, if you try to
continue a conversation
with someone who is
having an overreaction,
you are guaranteed one
outcome - a huge fight.
3. Don't take the
overreaction personally
under any circumstances.
This is not at all about
you.
Seriously - it really is
not about you. No matter
what is being said in
the middle of the
overreaction, it is not
about you. If you take
it personally and get
hurt over it, you are
simply joining your
partner in overreaction.
4. Remove yourself from
the situation.
Once your partner
overreacts, the topic
that triggered the
overreaction needs to be
tabled until a better,
calmer time. Meanwhile,
you need to remove
yourself from the
situation temporarily to
avoid feeling abused.
If you feel as if you
are being hurt, unjustly
accused, if you feel
angry, feel as if you
want to lash out, remove
yourself from the
situation temporarily,
but immediately. This
means put on your shoes
and coat and walk out
the door. Go for a long
walk. Go shopping. Go to
a movie. Go have a cup
of coffee. Go sit in
your car and call a
friend. Do something
that feels good and
removes you from the
situation.
5. Once things are calm,
don't ignore what
happened.
Don't let sleeping dogs
lie. In other words,
once you have peace
back, don't walk around
on eggshells in order to
prevent triggering
another overreaction.
Don't avoid talking
about what happened in
an open, honest,
non-hurtful way.
Initiate a conversation
to better understand
what happened. Start
with something like,
"You had a very
strong response to our
last conversation."
Then, if your partner
seems open, ask
questions such as:
* What were you feeling?
* What did I remind you
of?
* What did the situation
remind you of?
Listen to everything
your partner has to say.
Remember compassion. Do
not defend yourself, or
negate anything your
partner is saying. This
is not about you.
6. At a later point,
continue the discussion.
At a later point,
discuss with your
partner how you are
similar and different
from the person who
originally caused him or
her pain. Clarify what
you meant by the words
that triggered the
overreaction.
Discuss ways to deal
with overreaction in the
future, perhaps some key
phrases you can say to
each other to stop
overreaction.
If you can follow the
above guidelines, you
will find yourself in an
intimate relationship
with fewer fights and
overreactions and much
more closeness, intimacy
and trust. You can use
the same process in any
relationship, business
or personal, with the
same trust-building
benefit.
Handling overreactions
in others or in yourself
is hard work, and you
may find yourself
wishing you had help. If
this is the case, I am
available to help, in
both a one-time coaching
session format or for
ongoing coaching. For
more info on how you can
get help, go to http://www.whatittakes.com/Coaching/coachingservices.html
Wishing you an
overreaction-free week!
(c) Rinatta Paries,
1998-2002. Do you know
how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know
how to build a
fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours
to meet your needs?
Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach
you the skills and
techniques to attract
and sustain long-term,
healthy partnerships.
Visit
www.WhatItTakes.com
where you'll find
quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine.
Become a "true love
magnet(tm)!"
|
| About
the Author |
| Having
coined the phrase
"relationship
coach," Master
Certified Coach Rinatta
Paries works with
singles to help them
attract their ideal
relationship, and helps
couples create more love
and fulfillment in their
existing relationships.
Visit her web site at www.WhatItTakes.com
or e-mail her at coach@WhatItTakes.com.
dating
services | online
dating
| adult
personals
|
|
|
