Why
Marital Sex Often Dies
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. |
Research indicates that
over 55% of married
women are not interested
in having sex with their
husbands. In my 35 years
of counseling couples,
I’ve worked with many
men who also are not
interested in sex with
their wives. The problem
is generally not a lack
of sexual desire -
it’s that they are not
interested in sex with
their partner.
There is a very good
reason for this.
Sexuality in long term
relationships is the
result of loving energy
flowing between two
people. If something is
blocking this loving
energy, the sexual
energy between them
often gets blocked as
well.
There may be many
reasons for loving and
sexual energy being
blocked, but the most
common is what I call
the "pull-resist
relationship
system."
Here’s how it works:
One partner, let’s
call him Bill,
"pulls" on the
other for time,
approval, attention,
appreciation, as well as
for sex. Bill may pull
with niceness,
caretaking (giving in
order to get something
back), gifts,
withdrawal, anger,
blame. These behaviors
are a "pull"
when Bill is coming from
an empty place within, a
vacuum-like black hole
that wants to get filled
through approval,
validation and sex. In
fact, sex may be the
main way, aside from
work, that Bill’s
worth as a man gets
validated and his inner
emptiness gets filled
up. It may be the main
way that he feels loved.
The other partner,
let’s call her Jan,
rather than feeling
loved by the niceness,
gifts, or withdrawal,
anger and blame, feels
objectified. She feels
that Bill is being nice
or angry to manipulate
her into having sex -
not because he genuinely
wants to give to her and
express his love for
her, but because he
wants to get love from
her. He comes to her
like a needy little boy,
wanting to get
validated, filled, or
released. She ends up
feeling used and drained
when they have sex
rather than loved.
Because she doesn’t
want to be used and
controlled by Bill, and
because she is not
attracted to him when he
is being a needy little
boy, her whole body goes
into resistance and she
no longer feel sexually
attracted to him. Of
course it could be the
other way around, with
the woman pulling and
the man resisting being
used and controlled by
her.
In this pull-resist
system between Bill and
Jan, a number of changes
need to occur for the
passion to come back
into their relationship.
Bill needs to stop
trying to control Jan.
He needs learn how to
take responsibility for
his own feelings and
well-being - for
validating himself and
filling himself with
love, rather than always
trying to have control
over getting something
from Jan. He needs to be
practicing a spiritual
healing process such as
Inner Bonding (see our
free course at http://www.innerbonding.com).
Jan needs to learn to
speak her truth rather
than either complying
(having sex even when
she doesn’t want to)
or resisting. She needs
to tell Bill that she is
not turned on to him
when he is pulling on
her for sex, or for
anything else such as
time, attention,
appreciation or
approval. Until she is
ready to speak her truth
without blame or
judgement about his
emptiness and neediness,
Bill cannot understand
what the problem is. He
will think it is just
because she is frigid or
has some other sexual
problem, and will not
understand his
responsibility in their
marital system. Jan also
needs to practice Inner
Bonding or some
spiritual healing
process in order to
become strong enough to
speak her truth.
Most women are turned on
to a man when he is in
his power, feeling good
about himself. Neediness
is not a turn-on. Men,
too, are often not
turned on to a needy
woman, a woman who needs
him to make love to her
for her to feel safe,
worthy and lovable. In
our society, it’s more
common for men to
attempt to get their
validation through sex
than it is for women,
which is why more men
than women pull for sex.
In either case, both
partners need to do
their inner healing work
so they can become
strong enough to be
truly loving with
themselves and each
other.
|
| About
the Author |
| Margaret
Paul, Ph.D. is the
best-selling author and
co-author of eight
books, including
"Do I Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I
Have To Give Up Me To Be
Loved By My Kids?",
"Healing Your
Aloneness","Inner
Bonding", and
"Do I Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By
God?" Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner
Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
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