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Most
folks live, work or play
with other folks. We all
need the skills to play
nicely together. Where
do we get those skills
and tools? And, what are
they?
It is not rocket science
to understand that our
early training continues
to play out in our
lives. What we did in
our families tends to be
our base line until we
decide to consciously
change our minds. There
are far too many
people...believe me, I
know, having been a
therapist for
years...who spend their
lives blaming their
families for the present
conditions of their
lives.
Sure, some people have
been badly treated, even
abused, and I am not
dismissing their pain in
any way. Most folks have
not, however, and many
continue to hold on to
the 'if-only' and 'they
done me wrong' mentality
as a defense against
moving forward in their
lives. You can change
your mind at any time,
can't you?
You can choose to play
on your own team and be
your own ally in
creating the life you
say you want.
Do you ever let the old
patterns you learned or
observed in your family
life infringe on your
current relationships?
Do you have a fear or an
unwillingness to trust
new folks on the basis
of your history with
other folks? Is this
serving you well? I
doubt it.
When I was a therapist,
couples would come to
me. One, or both, would
complain of being
compared to their
partner's last love,
lover, wife or husband -
and, usually not
favorably, either. I can
think of one case that
was particularly overt.
The man complained that
his partner was
flaunting her sexuality
at every man she met. He
said she even spent too
long chatting with the
checkout person in the
grocery store, longer
than was necessary in
his opinion, and he
considered it flirting.
He said that, when she
bent down to choose
groceries from the
bottom shelf, she did it
in a sexually aggressive
way. Having seen this
woman in the community
for several years, I had
not noticed any overt
sexuality on her part.
As we worked together,
it turned out, as you
have probably guessed by
now, that his former
wife ran off with
another man. His belief
was that, if he had been
more vigilant for the
signs he was now
hyper-vigilant of in his
current partner, he
would still be married
to his first wife and at
home with his children.
His current partner was
in a no-win situation.
Although she was now
more conscious of
everything she did and
was feeling quite
anxious and tense about
her every move, there
really was nothing she
could do until this man
took the pain of his
last experience and left
it behind with his
former wife.
Certainly, you learn
from experience.
Hopefully, you become
wiser. It is unfair,
however, to transfer one
experience to another in
such a paranoid fashion
as this fellow. Wisdom,
yes; paranoia, no.
To have rich rewarding
relationships with
others as partners,
co-workers, colleagues
or relatives, you have
to have a rich and
rewarding relationship
with yourself. IT'S THAT
SIMPLE!
Do you approve of
yourself? If so, great;
If not, what would you
have to do to earn your
own approval? Popular
magazines tell you that
you must be your own
best friend. What does
this mean?
Stop. Ask yourself if
you are willing to do
for yourself what you
are willing to do for
your friends. Some folks
will put themselves out
to do something for
another person and yet
they won't get off the
couch for themselves.
They may be more
comfortable spending
money on another than on
themselves. They may go
places that interest
them with another but
they will not
go alone. If a movie is
worth seeing, it's worth
seeing, isn't it?
Really great
relationships begin with
really great
relationships with
yourself. There's
another important
ingredient, though.
Before you say anything
about your partner,
co-worker or relative,
ask yourself if you are
doing what you want them
to do. I notice in my
life with my husband
that I cannot complain
about what he doesn't do
if I am not holding up
my end completely. Life
gets much easier when
you are first sure you
are living up to your
own expectations of
others. The conversation
you have with yourself
is much more
straightforward. Be sure
you're doing what you
expect them to do...and
that you have been
demonstrating this
behavior over some time.
No fair pointing out
that he/she needs to
participate in an
exercise program if you
have not been
demonstrating
consistently that you
value exercise. This is
dirty pool. No fair
saying someone else is
putting on weight and it
is unattractive unless
you are at a reasonable
weight.
Why is this simple
equation so often
overlooked? Because we
project - we project our
shortcomings on others.
It's easier than taking
responsibility for our
own, isn't it?
Want really great
relationships? Have a
fantastic, honest
relationship with
yourself. That's the
only way!
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