Friends
-- With Benefits
by Kwame DeRoche |
We've all been there.
That long, seemingly
endless drought during
which time you get no
play. No action. No
sweet lovin'. The dating
life is mediocre, and
you've got no prospects.
But as we've proven time
and time again, we're a
resourceful bunch. Many
take matters into their
own hands. In the
Appalachians, many fall
into the arms of a sexy
sibling. But there's a
number of us that decide
to try…'Friends with
benefits.'
Yeah, that old song. You
start workin' your mojo
on your friends. And try
to stay friends. And, it
usually ends in
disaster.
FWB finds its origins in
some breakup many years
ago. The guy, sick of
all her crap yet still
lusting for her body,
voiced a proposal. An
agreement, if you will.
Sex without relationship
complications. Totally
need-based, not emotion
based like what those
other suckers are doing.
Just for a little while.
It's the perfect plan.
Kinda like a severance
package for his package,
until it finds 'new
employment.'
The mistake didn't lie
in the idea. Because
people come up with
stupid ideas every day.
And trying to have sex
with your ex isn't
exactly original. The
mistake, my friends, is
that she agreed to it.
So opened a new loophole
for commitment-phobes
everywhere. Sex with no
strings. The
multiple-night-stand.
The 'friends with
benefits.'
In later years, FWB made
way for other dating
loophole innovations
like Revenge Sex and the
Booty Call. But I
digress.
So there you are, still
complaining about not
being able to find
someone special, but now
with a big grin on your
face. Why? You gettin'
sum.
In order for the FWB
plan to work, there must
be rules in place. You
must both be single.
You're probably not
getting any from anyone
else, otherwise you
wouldn’t be looking
for FWB. You can't get
emotionally attached,
jealous, needy, or any
of that crap. You
probably try to keep it
a secret, too. And, most
of all, you can’t let
it interfere with your
(our your friend's)
dating life. You know
what? With all those
rules, it starts to
sound an awfully lot
like a…uhm…what's it
called? A relationship.
Or worse, a JOB.
Anyway, in theory, it's
like finding a gold
mine. Pack up the wagon,
Ma, you're a free sex
49er. You can't believe
that you're the only one
who thought of this. No
anniversaries to
remember, no hearts and
flowers, no explaining
where you were Friday
night, you're in heaven.
But like the great gold
rush, you never know
when it's all gonna run
out.
Disaster comes into play
when one of the two
friends in the agreement
is harboring a crush.
Only one. And think
about it folks, any
friend who would just up
and agree to start
having casual yet
semi-exclusive sex with
you has to have an
agenda of their own.
(The fact that they look
at you and lick their
lips is a give-away
too.) Chances are they
not be fully aware of it
themselves. This
accounts for 90% of the
FWB files. So, when the
drought is over, and the
emergency FWB rations
can be put away, that
pre-existing crush is
enough to cause BIG (yet
sudden to you) jealousy.
The casualty? Your
platonic, un-awkward,
normal friendship.
That's assuming you're
good. And compatible in
bed.
Which leads to another
kind of disaster. What
if you don't click in
bed? What if you chicken
out as soon as they get
naked? What if you end
up laying there saying
'what the hell did we
just do?' What if you
can't finish? What if
you can't even get
started? These are
things that start to
mess with confidence and
self-esteem. And make
for an awkward game of
Scrabble next time you
two are hanging out
alone. Assuming that
you're even able to hang
out alone after that
point.
Then there are the
resentment issues.
Eventually, someone will
start to feel like the
other person's libido
band-aid. Because sex
without all the
lovey-dovey
relationship-type stuff
leaves you a lot of time
to think about what you
just did, especially
when your lover just
jumped up to play a
video game or to call
the guy she's really
interested in.
It's rare to find
someone mature enough to
have continuous sex with
someone and not develop
feelings for them. It's
even more rare to find
someone who can deal
with those feelings if
and when they show up.
In the end, you've got
awkwardness, jealousy,
resentment, and all the
other things that can
stop a relationship in
its tracks. And guess
what, Chachi, a
friendship is a
relationship. And it
sucks worse than the
relationship that got
you into this mess,
because you can end up
losing a lover AND a
friend.
So in trying to avoid
Melrose Place drama, you
backpedal your way into
90210. You're stuck.
You're alone. And the
booty train's done left
the station without you.
In the end, you ain't
boinkin' like a rabbit,
and you ain't no friend
o' mine.
But sometimes, you look
over at that other
person and realize that
you're having sex with
someone you like to hang
out with. Who likes all
the same stuff you do.
Who knows all your
secrets and still wants
to hang out with you.
Sometimes, they realize
it too. Then things work
out.
Except in the
Appalachians. Dude,
she's your sister.
That's just nasty.
That's the rant.
Copyright 2001 by Kwame
DeRoche' ALL RIGHTS
RESERVED. SUBSCRIBE
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|
| About
the Author |
| I'm
a 27-year-old
Advertising/Marketing
Senior Writer with a
slightly skewed
perception of the world.
I've been writing my
rants since early 1999.
They're humorous
brain-dumps, all about
relationships, TV,
movies, driving to
work...you know, LIFE.
And as long as humans
are humans, I'll always
have something to write
about. See more or
subscribe at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kwamrants
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