Should
I End This Relationship?
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. |
In the 35 years I’ve
been counseling,
thousands of couples
have come to me
wondering if they should
end their relationship.
Most of these people
were in love at one
point but are now really
miserable with each
other, or one partner is
miserable with the
other. Generally, they
don’t know what the
real problem is. They
know what they don’t
like about the other
person. They know they
can’t communicate
about what is important
to them. They know they
fight about money or sex
or time or chores or
hundreds of other
things, or they ignore
the problems and are
distant. What they
don’t know is what the
REAL problem is.
Leaving a relationship
before knowing what the
real problem is, is
generally a waste of
time (aside from
domestic violence) -
especially if you
eventually want to be in
another relationship.
The reason it’s a
waste of time is because
whatever you are doing
to create your
unhappiness, you are not
going to stop doing just
because you leave the
relationship. You take
yourself with you when
you leave, and unless
you heal your part of
the relationship
problem, you will
continue to behave in
ways that eventually
destroys relationships.
You might be surprised
to learn that the time
to leave a relationship
is NOT when you are
miserable, but rather
when you are happy,
joyful and peaceful.
When you have learned
how to make yourself
happy and bring yourself
peace and joy, and if
your partner is still
distance, angry, needy,
disconnected, resistant,
unloving, or acting out
addictively - then it
may be time to leave if
that is what you want.
When I work with
couples, I help each
partner learn how to
take full, 100%
responsibility for their
own feelings and needs.
Obviously, if both
people are behaving in
ways that bring
themselves joy, they
will have a lot of love
to share with each
other. As long as they
are stuck believing that
their unhappiness of the
other person’s fault,
they are being victims.
As victims they want to
control the other person
and get them to behave
the way they want them
the behave. As victims,
they are afraid of being
rejected or controlled,
and are behaving in ways
to protect themselves
from what they fear. All
the ways they are trying
to have control over not
being rejected or
controlled are creating
the relationship
problems.
Until you become aware
of how you are being a
victim and how you are
trying to control your
partner - and you are
successful in taking
care of your own
feelings and needs -
there is no point in
leaving.
Most people who are
unhappy in their
relationship are
reactors. They are
reacting to the other
person’s controlling
behavior with their own
controlling behavior.
For example:
• When Jacob
criticizes her, Hannah
shuts down. When Hannah
shuts down, Jacob
criticizes.
• When Sally gets
angry at Joe, Joe
defends, lectures and
explains himself. When
Joe lectures, Sally gets
angry and resistant.
• When Robert is
demanding, Ingrid gives
herself up to comply
with Robert’s demands.
The more Ingrid
complies, the more
Robert demands.
• When Michele
complains, Hugh resists.
The more Hugh resist,
the more Michele
complains.
• When Craig acts like
an irresponsible child,
Karen becomes parental
and judgmental. The more
Karen is parental and
judgmental, the more
Craig is resistant and
irresponsible.
Each of these people are
reacting in controlling
ways, rather than acting
in ways that take loving
care of themselves. Both
people are participating
in creating a negative
circle. Generally, they
then blame the other for
their own reaction:
“If you wouldn’t
criticize, then I
wouldn’t withdraw.”
“Well, if you
wouldn’t withdraw,
then I wouldn’t
criticize.” “If you
weren’t so resistant,
I wouldn’t get
angry.” “If you
weren’t so angry, I
wouldn’t resist.”
If they were to act in
loving ways toward
themselves rather than
react in controlling
ways toward their
partner, then:
• When Jacob
criticized, Hannah might
speak up for herself
instead of shutting
down, saying something
like, “Jacob, I
don’t like being
criticized. I’m not
willing to have this
discussion until we can
be open with each
other.” When Hannah
shut down, Jacob could
be curious instead of
critical, saying
something like,
“Honey, you must have
a good reason for
withdrawing from me. Do
you want to talk about
it?”
• When Sally got
angry, Joe could
disengage from the
conversation instead of
trying to talk her out
of her feelings. He
would give up trying to
have control over
Sally’s anger and how
she sees him and take
care of himself. When
Joe tried to control
Sally with his lecturing
and explaining, instead
of trying to control him
with her anger, Sally
could speak up for
herself, telling Joe
that she doesn’t like
it when he tries to talk
her out of her feelings.
There is no point in
leaving a relationship
until you have learned
act in ways that are
loving to yourself and
your partner, instead of
reacting in controlling
and resistant ways.
Leaving only delays this
learning until your next
relationship.
|
| About
the Author |
| Margaret
Paul, Ph.D. is the
best-selling author and
co-author of eight
books, including
"Do I Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I
Have To Give Up Me To Be
Loved By My Kids?",
"Healing Your
Aloneness","Inner
Bonding", and
"Do I Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By
God?" Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner
Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
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