Don't
Look for Your Soul Mate
by Rinatta Paries |
If you look for a soul
mate, you are likely to
find a relationship that
leaves you bewildered
and alone soon after it
begins. Instead, look
for a partner and a best
friend to whom you are
attracted.
I hear it over and over
again; "We were so
compatible...we fell in
love at first sight...we
committed to each other
right way...we had so
much in common…it is
as if we have known each
other all of our
lives...etc." Yet
the relationship fell
apart, my soul mate's
behavior radically
changed. What happened?
What happens when you
look for a soul mate?
You look for someone
with whom you can feel
at home, right away. You
look for someone who
will understand you and
give you what you want
and need, right away.
You look for an
extraordinary sense of
recognition, connection
and attraction.
Instead, what you find
is someone who is
willing to melt with
you, to let go of
boundaries that define
the self. You find
someone who is willing
for a time to be for you
whomever and whatever you want. And
you melt with him or
her, let go of your own
boundaries, become for
him or her what is
wanted or needed. Then
the two of you feel like
soul mates. But this can
only go on for a time,
and often a short time
-- about 6 weeks to 3
months, sometimes even
less.
Eventually, both of you
regain a sense of self,
a sense of personal
boundaries, needs and
wants, distinctly
different from one
another. Your "soul
mate" may not meet
your needs and give you
attention as readily as
he or she once did. You
realize you may not be
as compatible as you
thought you were. You
find out things about
each other you cannot
accept. One or both
people pull away, often
without communicating to
the other the true
reasons for the
distance. Eventually the
relationship ends.
If you want to avoid
having this kind of
experience altogether,
look for a person who
has the capacity to
become you partner and
best friend, to whom you
are attracted. The key
words here being
"partner" and
"best friend"
and
"attracted."
As in someone you can
partner with to build a
life, someone who will
support, encourage and
cheer you on, to whom
you are attracted. All
three of these qualities
must be present for you
to have the kind of
relationship you dream
of.
Then, once you find him
or her, follow five
suggestions below to
build a relationship:
1. Don't melt into the
other person, but
instead be strongly
yourself.
The more you are
yourself, the stronger
your bond with the other
person has a chance of
becoming. That is if
each of you -- being
yourselves -- enjoys
being with the other.
2. Don't try to be nice
and don't give just to
be loved or liked. Just
be.
In a long-term
relationship, one that
hopefully will last for
the rest of your life,
you want to just be and
have that be enough,
have that be
appreciated. So just be
in the beginning -- it
will either be good
enough, maybe even
extraordinary, or not.
3. Don't rely on each
other too much.
Don't need each other to
fix life, emotional or
financial problems.
Emotions and loyalties
get confused when new
partners try to save
each other. Keep the
relationship clean and
be
together because you
want to, not because you
need to.
4. Slow way down.
Take the relationship
very slow. Savor each
milestone: the first
time you hold hands, the
first kiss, the first
afternoon spent
together. Don't rush in
search of the holy grail
of "relationships."
If you end up together,
these "firsts"
will only happen once.
If you don't end up
together, you are more
likely to end the
relationship sooner and
more cleanly if you have not rushed in
headfirst.
5. Build a friendship.
Building a good
friendship takes time,
effort, risk,
communication,
compassion, honesty. Do
it - it is this
friendship that will
serve as a foundation of
your relationship.
Now doesn't this sound
better than the cycle of
finding love and then
losing it again?
(c) Rinatta Paries,
1998-2002. Do you know
how to attract your
ideal mate? Do you know
how to build a
fulfilling relationship,
or how to reinvent yours
to meet your needs?
Relationship Coach
Rinatta Paries can teach
you the skills and
techniques to attract
and sustain long-term,
healthy partnerships.
Visit
www.WhatItTakes.com
where you'll find
quizzes, classes, advice
and a free weekly ezine.
Become a "true love
magnet(tm)!"
|
| About
the Author |
| Having
coined the phrase
"relationship
coach," Master
Certified Coach Rinatta
Paries works with
singles to help them
attract their ideal
relationship, and helps
couples create more love
and fulfillment in their
existing relationships.
Visit her web site at
www.WhatItTakes.com or
e-mail her at coach@WhatItTakes.com.
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