|
Three
Key Relationship Danger Signs
By Edel Jarboe
When you enter a committed
relationship, there is a
period of adjustment that can take
months or even years. While
you are getting into your couple
groove, be careful that you
don't fall
into any of these following
relationship pitfalls that can
lead to the dissolution of your
love partnership. Watch out
for these danger signs in your
relationship while staying
focused on building and nurturing a
healthy long-term relationship
based on positive
communication and of course,
love.
1. Unrealistic Expectations
Expecting to change another
person or to "fix' their
flaws after committing to a
long-term relationship is a
big no-no. For one thing, who says they
need fixing besides you?
Aren't you supposed to love your
honey flaws and all? Now, for
truly reprehensible flaws - such as
belching in public - go ahead
and give lessons in etiquette. But
for more subtle personality traits, ask yourself if it's
worth making a big issue out
of it. We all do something that
drives our loved ones nuts. So
learn to be flexible. Love is
about compromise and should
never be about making another person
into someone else. Moreover, expecting to change someone
else's problem (drug or
alcohol abuse, domestic violence, or
criminal behavior) doesn't
work either. It is one thing to be
supportive if your partner is truly making an effort to
change, but it is quite another to be
their willing accomplice.
Bottom line: you cannot change
someone else. In a healthy
relationship the best you can
do is compromise, and in a bad
relationship, it is better to
walk away in order to preserve your
dignity, health, and self-respect.
Another example of unrealistic
relationship expectations is thinking that the other person
is the solution to all your problems. Sure, love makes the
world go round but expecting your sweetie to fix all that
is wrong in your life is unfair to
them. And living through them
or solely for them is not fair
to you either. You are still
responsible for your life and
your self-esteem. Sure, love can
help smooth out the rest of
your life, but by no means is it a
cure-all. There is no getting around it -- you are
responsible for your own
happiness. Love is simply the icing on the
cake.
2. Lack Of Open and Honest
Communication
Depending on how busy and
stressed out we are, we are
all guilty of tuning each other
out from time to time. The
danger is when this becomes a
relationship habit. Not
listening to
each other's hopes, dreams,
and fears on a regular basis
can lead to a lack of true
intimacy. It is impossible to
feel connected to someone when you
feel aren't there for you.
The hallmark of this pitfall
is when one partner is
unwilling to discuss certain issues and
they either avoid the
discussion altogether or withdraw
verbally or physically. This
leaves the
other partner to tiptoe around
them because they are afraid
of risking anger, withdrawal, or
avoidance. When the discussion
is curtailed indefinitely so is
the relationship. In order for
a
relationship to grow, you have
to be able to talk about the good, the bad, the ugly, and
even the painful truth. In
other words, make honesty,
expressing your feelings, and
sharing ideas a priority because
sharing the good times and the
bad times deepens and strengthens
your relationship. And you
want this to happen, right?
3. Lack of Respect
Take the woman who gives her
husband the silent treatment
and withholds her affection until
he gives into her demands --whether it is canceling a
trip, buying a new car, or
having a
baby. This is definitely not
the way to go if you want both
your sweetie's cooperation and
their lasting affection on a long-term basis. When you
control your partner by
constantly harassing them, withholding
your love, and issuing
ultimatums you are demonstrating that
your needs and desires come
before your love for them. Who's
going to stick around for this
type of treatment? In short, avoid
controlling behavior in a relationship. Just because you
have pledged your love for someone does not give you the
right to run his or her life. Even though the person pulling
the strings may think they're winning, ultimately, it is the
relationship that loses out.
In the same vein, when one
partner puts the other person
down or constantly second-guesses
them, whether it is
intentional or not, they are chipping away at
their partner's self-esteem. When you invalidate your
partner, you are effectively
telling them that they don't matter.
As a result, the victim of
this type of behavior will start to
cover up who they are and what
they think in order to protect
his or her self-esteem. Sadly,
this is another example of a
one-sided relationship where
one partner holds all the
emotional cards. And this is a
sure-fire
recipe for relationship
disaster.
After being with someone for a
while, we know what buttons to
push to make the other person
feel bad about themselves.
Yes, you have this power but if you
want a healthy, loving, and
lasting relationship, you will
keep the door to this arsenal securely locked. Always ask
yourself how you would feel if
someone spoke to you the way
you are speaking to your significant other. Hold back
on insults, put-downs, as well
as non-verbal body language that
convey disgust, mockery, or disbelief such as rolling your
eyes. In other words, avoid
(non) verbally striking your mate.
Instead, focus on building
each
other's self-esteem, not
destroying it. And when you do
this, you build a healthier, happier
relationship.
Note: If you recognize any of
these danger signs in your relationship, please seek
couples counseling.
Copyright © 2001 by Edel
Jarboe. All Rights Reserved.
----------------------------------------------------------------
About the Author: Edel Jarboe
is the founder of Self Help
for Her.com (http://www.selfhelpforher.com),
an online self-help magazine helping you create
your better life. She
also publishes a free weekly
newsletter, which features
advice on
goal setting, stress
management, coping with
difficult people, and overcoming obstacles:
Subscribe (mailto:subscribe@selfhelpforher.com)
and receive a FREE stress
report.
dating
services | online
dating
| adult
personals
|
|
