Don't
Compare Partners
by Rinatta Paries |
Have you ever found
yourself comparing your
current partner to
someone from your past,
and finding your current
partner lacking? Worse
yet, have you found
yourself telling your
current partner he or
she is being compared to
someone in your past and
falls short?
What is it we are really
after when comparing
current and former
partners? Do we want our
current partners to be
just like our exes?
Probably not, or we
would still be in those
relationships. I think
when we are making a
comparison, we are
really after something
else. My hunch is what
most of us really want
is to have our current
partners meet some
specific needs and
desires in the same,
natural way as our past
partners did.
Unfortunately, when we
make this comparison
between partners and
then tell our partner
about it, he or she will
probably not take the
feedback well. In fact,
your partner will be
very likely to feel
angry, resentful, and to
make sure not to do what
you want.
How can you, then, get
what you want in a more
effective way than
causing resentment and
anger in your partner?
How can you have your
needs and desires
satisfied? It's simple,
really. Just ask. But be
sure to ask without
making your partner
wrong for not already
having met your needs.
Let's look at an
example. Let's say you
are not getting enough
romance in your current
relationship, but had
gotten plenty of it in
your past relationship,
and liked it that way.
If you were comparing
your current partner to
your ex, you might say
things like, "Why
aren't you more like X?
He (or she) was so
romantic. I would get
flowers and cards from
him all of the
time." Or, you
might say, "She was
much more interested in
romance and intimacy
than you are." Then
you might finish with,
"You are just not
like him (or her),"
with a negative
connotation in your
voice.
As I said, after this
kind of encounter, it's
unlikely you will
experience romantic
gestures from your
current partner, even if
he or she originally had
a desire to be romantic.
Asking for your needs to
be met looks very
different than comparing
partners and making your
current partner wrong.
You may say something
like, "You know, I
really like and
appreciate romantic
gestures. Flowers or
cards would make me feel
loved and appreciated.
Physical intimacy would
make me feel loved and
connected to you. I
would like more of these
from you. Can you do
that for me?"
With an approach like
this, you are much more
likely to get what you
want.
So stop comparing and
start asking!
|
| About
the Author |
Having
coined the phrase
"relationship
coach," Master
Certified Coach Rinatta
Paries works with
singles to help them
attract their ideal
relationship, and helps
couples create more love
and fulfillment in their
existing relationships.
Visit her web site at www.WhatItTakes.com
or e-mail her at coach@WhatItTakes.com.
dating
services | online
dating
| adult
personals
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