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Communication
With Your Lover
By
Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed.
Communication with your lover
is probably “the” most
important factor for not only a
satisfying sexual relationship
but for a relationship in general. If we
do not communicate with our
lover we can’t be satisfied. Many
of us falsely believe that our
lover can read our mind or that they
should instinctively know how
to please us. This is a very
destructive belief for not
only the
sex, but the relationship as a
whole.
Each one of us is different.
If we are in a new
relationship it takes time to learn what each
other likes. Your new lover probably has
different needs
in regard to what they like
and how they need to be touched than
your previous lover. If it is
a long-term relationship we need
to continually explore and discover one another’s
bodies, needs and desires. We
need to let our lover know what we need.
I am often surprised when I
hear from couples who have
been together for a long time that
neither one of them really
knows each other’s bodies, needs,
desires or fantasies and they
are
not able to ask their partner
for what they need sexually to
be satisfied.
I sometimes hear statements
from males such as this: “my
wife doesn’t know how to satisfy
me” “my wife has different
erotic needs than mine and can’t
satisfy me” Men are often
not able to tell their partners that they
really need to have oral sex
on a regular basis to be satisfied
or they are not able to their partner that every now and
then they would like their
lover to whisper in their ear and say
“Oh, baby, fuck me in the
ass” or “Please fuck me” And
because men often crave this
kind of naughtiness and it really
arouses them they often get
this kind of sex “on the side” from
another woman who gives them
this kind
of sex without them having to
ask for it.
Their partner would probably
be completely shocked to know
her man likes such naughty talk
and would never dream he is
getting
it on the side, because he has
never told her what he likes
and has hid this piece of himself
from her.
On the other hand women
sometimes have difficulty
saying to their partner that they need
more touching, kissing,
affection, afterplay, foreplay or
intimacy in order to make sex
more
satisfying. So many women go
around completely unsatisfied
or shut down and give up and
decide they don’t really
like sex anymore and quit giving it to
him, which again leads him to
get it “on the side.” While
other women may turn to
someone else “on the side” who can meet their
emotional needs and therefore
make
the sex better for her.
There would be no need or
desire for either partner to
be unfaithful if each partner
would just be honest with each
other and communicate their needs,
desires and preferences. Your
wife (partner) can be the lover you
need if you teach her how to satisfy you and let her know
what you like and need. Your husband (partner) can be the
lover you need him to be if
you do the same. If our needs are met
in our relationship, there is
no need or desire for
unfaithfulness.
For a relationship to be
successful each partner is
responsible to communicate their needs to
the other and each partner is responsible for meeting the
needs of the other. If you
have a
partner who is not willing to
learn and not interested in satisfying you then you would
want evaluate whether this is
a relationship you should be in.
There should also be a healthy
balance of give and take in
each partner and sexual requests
should be within reason. No
one should have to engage in any
activity that is degrading,
violent
or disrespectful. For example:
if your lover needs to call
you a slut or a whore or to harm you
in order to get aroused there
is a serious problem here and
some guidance should be
sought.
Talk openly, direct and
honest. Be specific. Tell your
partner where, when and how to touch,
how much pressure, how much
speed, timing, what, when and how to
say, etc. etc.
This kind of communication is
in contrast to erotic communication, which occurs
during the act of lovemaking.
It is best to talk about these kinds
of issues outside of the
bedroom, so it won’t spoil the moment
and so you can take time to
work things out. If you are
revealing something new to
your lover it can take a while to assimilate
what has been shared. Communication should be on
going. Needs, desires and
preferences change over time. It is a
journey of continual discovery
and exploration of one another.
If this is a new behavior for
you it may feel uncomfortable
at first, but do it anyway! It
will get easier with time.
Sharing yourself in this way will
bring you and your partner
closer
together and enhance your
sexual satisfaction. It will
increase your intimacy, decrease the
risk of unfaithfulness and
increase your sexual satisfaction. Your
relationship as a whole will
be
happier, more fulfilling and
satisfying in every way.
About the author:
Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed. is a
writer, educator, advisor and
coach specializing in sexual
intimacy, erotic communication
and keeping the fire burning in
your relationship. A FREE E-zine
packed full of tips, advice
and erotic stories to keep the
sizzle in your relationship
can be found at her website.
http://www.holistichelp.net/sexandsoul
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