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The
7 Stages of a Romantic
Relationship
By
Michelle Casto, M.Ed.
There
are seven stages in a romantic
relationship: avoidance,
meeting, dating, breaking up, establishing exclusivity,
commitment, and keeping the
love you find. Each of these stages
vary in length and intensity.
At each stage, there are thoughts and
feelings telling you what to
do and when to do it. You need to
learn to listen to your
intuition in each stage, so that you can
make smart decisions.
It is
important to note that the
breaking up stage can happen
at any time within the other stages;
i.e., at any time you or the
other person decides to exit the
relationship for whatever
reason. In all seven stages, you always
have these choices:
1. Continue moving forward
2.
Stagnate
3. Slow down or go
backwards
4. Exit
By taking notice of the
signals from your head and
heart, you will be better able to
interpret what your intuition
is telling you. At each stage, consider,
“What am I thinking and
feeling?” Are you receiving conflicting
messages? Is your head saying
one thing and your heart another?
This is often the case,
particularly in romantic
relationships. What happens is
there is an agreement error, a contrast
between your thoughts and your
feelings. This is perfectly
normal. Just remember that you
have your very own internal system
of checks and balances. This
system was designed to keep
you safe. For the moment, it
is temporarily out of order,
probably due to stimulation
overload. So, before making any decision
at this time, go somewhere
quiet’ the answers will come with
reflection and focus.
Once the
answer comes, you should act quickly
so you do not have time to
doubt your decision. You should
never feel trapped or unable
to choose what is right for you. If at
any time you do feel this way,
then that is a good sign that
something is not right with
the relationship. You then need to
examine what it is that is holding you back. If it turns
out to be the other person,
you are probably better off
leaving the relationship.
A
smart way to make important stage decisions
is to mutually agree on what
to do next. After all, “if it
is meant to be, it will be,”
so you may as well start out making
important decisions together. Couples who have good
relationships know that it
takes time to build their love. They make a
conscious effort to progress slowly and purposefully
through each stage, enjoying
the process, while allowing their
love to develop naturally.
Communicating with each other
is essential to this process.
You should be open and honest
about your concerns and fears,
so that you can trust that everything
has been said and understood
by both parties. Even if you find
that things aren’t what you
would have hoped for, at least you
know what is going on and then
you can work on making it better.
Levels of Love
Most of us have
experienced love blindness. We
either think we love someone
or do not realize until it is
too late that we actually did love
someone. You do not have to be
blinded by love. You have the
power to recognize it, but you
must use smart decision-making
skills to avoid making fatal relationship mistakes. In this
section, work on waking up
your awareness so that you will act
in “knowing.” The first
step is to become familiar with the
stages of relationships and
the corresponding levels of love
that you or your partner will
most likely experience.
Relationship Avoidance Stage
I
do not desire love
Goal:
to prepare yourself for
love.
Characterized by
non-interest.
Meeting
Stage
I am open to finding
love
Goal: to
prospect for the possibility
of love in others.
Characterized by anticipation
Dating Stage
I
hope to find love
Goal: to
pre-qualify for a potential partner.
Characterized by
uncertainty
(These three stages represent being single and the
importance of using the “Screen-out”
process.)
Breaking Up Stage
I no longer
have love with this person
Goal: to let go of the
person/love
Characterized by disappointment/relief
(Breaking up is a transitional
stage.)
Exclusivity Stage
I think
this is love
Goal: to
further qualify the person to see if
she/he might be a good match.
Characterized by excitement
Commitment Stage
I know
this is love
Goal: to close the
deal
Characterized by
confidence
Keeping the Love You Find
Stage
I want to keep this
love
Goal:
to preserve the love you have
found
Characterized by
continuous commitment
(These three stages represent
being involved and the
importance of using the “Screen-in”
process.)
The key is to consciously
place yourself in each stage.
For example, if you decide you
want to be in the “dating
stage” then be fully present and make a
true effort to make yourself available for dating. If,
however, you find that your
heart isn’t in it, and that you
would rather avoid
relationships, then you need to stop and
consciously put yourself back
in that stage. This will help you to
stay clear on what you want
and enable you to honestly
communicate to others
"where you are at.”
Each level and stage of the
relationship is a transition
and involves psychological and
emotional energy. As you
progress through each level, you will
no doubt experience excitement
and anxiety, hope and fear,
arousal and dis-arousal,
certainty and
uncertainty, along with a
myriad of other feelings. You
will need to work hard at balancing
the messages that you are receiving from both your head
and your heart to most
accurately interpret the incoming,
overwhelming information—it
is very easy to be misled.
***This article is adapted
from the book, Get Smart!
About Modern Romantic Relationships:
Your Personal Guide to Finding
Right and Real Love by
Michelle L. Casto
About the author:
Michelle L. Casto, M.Ed. is a
Whole Life Coach, Speaker, and
Author of the Get Smart!
LearningBook Series: Get
Smart! About
Modern Romantic Relationships,
Get Smart! About Modern Career
Development, and Get Smart!
About Modern Stress
Management. Her
coaching practice is called
Brightlight Coaching because
she helps people come up with
bright ideas for their life
and empowers them to freely shine
their bright light to the
world.
www.getsmartseries.com
and
www.brightlightcoach.com
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